Honor Your Husband, Part 3

This week was not the best week of the challenge so far. I was extremely sick from Saturday to Monday and it's pretty hard to honor anybody when your insides feel like a hurricane has hit them! Poor Chris had to take on full-time toddler, maid and dinner duties, all while prepping for his sermon on Sunday (which, incidentally, was about wives submitting to their husbands!!) I did try to thank him for all of his extra work, and not notice the things he didn't do like I would have.

I have observed some difficulties that are unique to having a "ministry marriage" during the last two weeks. We had one arise Sunday afternoon. Chris came home very upset from church because a petty dispute had been brought to his attention. He was angry and heartsick over the fact that such a minor issue was distracting us from focusing on reaching people. He was questioning whether he should give in on this minor point, because it really wasn't a big deal and as he said, it just wasn't a hill he was ready to die on. When he told me about all of this, I got mad. The fact that it wasn't a big deal and these few people were still willing to complain and refuse to submit to authority indicated a character issue to me, and I felt that, as such, it should not be catered to or swept under the rug. I was angry at these people and the situation, but not at him; however, the end result of our conversation was that he felt that he hadn't been listened to and that he was unsupported. My reaction brought that church disagreement right over and smack in the middle of our home.

I spent the next few hours, stuck in bed, mulling over the situation and my reaction. One thing God showed me was that, although I was right in defending Chris' pastoral authority, I had not been understanding of his pastoral responsibility. He was looking at the big picture and I was focusing on the little issue. The other thing I was convicted about was that I didn't fulfill my job description. My job as his wife is to provide an emotional outlet for him and try to make our home a haven from all of the difficulties of dealing with people in the church. There might have come a time and place where it would have been appropriate for me to share my opinion with him, but right then he needed a wife, not an opinion. Even while being sick, I could have sought to speak words of encouragement and support instead of arguing my point of view.

I find myself often bringing up situations like this in the church, either cracking jokes about them or spouting off my opinions. I am resolving this week to try and leave this stuff out of our home life. I will try to let my mouth be ruled by Ephesians 4:29 (The Message), "Say only what helps, each word a gift." (Wow, a gift! What if we all imagined each of our words as either a gift wrapped package or a weapon of destruction! That's a powerful word picture!) In fact, in Day Nine of Nancy Leigh DeMoss's 30-Day Encouragement Challenge, she suggests that "if listening is a real problem for you, play a game with yourself. See if you can listen to your husband for one whole day, only speaking when asked a question." Now, I may have to give Chris some advance warning that I'm trying this little experiment, because if this Chatty Cathy gets quiet he may assume I'm giving him the 'silent treatment'!!

So, trying to listen to him more and talk less about church issues are my two goals for the next week. And in making an effort to publicly praise my husband, I am hereby offering him this post as a public, and humble, apology.

Honor Your Husband, Part 2

Well, as usual, I am a day late on posting for our Honor Your Husband challenge. This week has had it's good days and bad days. In preparation for this post, I was reflecting back on the week's successes and failures. Then I decided to get it straight from the horse's mouth, so I asked my husband. (Yes, I know it's not honoring to call your husband a horse-it's just a figure of speech!)

Allison: So, you know about the 30-day Honor Your Husband Challenge-thingy I've been doing? What do you think so far?

Chris: I wish it would last longer than 30 days!

Yeah! Hopefully that indicates that he has noticed a difference. He went on to say that he felt I had worked on all of my goals for the first week, and that the goal about making, um, time for him was his favorite! (Go figure...) I asked him what things I should work on for this week, and he said to definitely carry through on the, uh, time one. My new goal, in addition to following through with last week's three, is:

-To try and be more affectionate with him, and if it leads to his favorite goal, then so be it.

I'm excited to see what everyone else's new goals are and how their week went as well.

PS-It was really easy to honor him on Sunday, after he preached a rockin' message about husbands. I highly recommend that you check it out if you have time to listen. Just click on "our church" in the right-hand column and then on 'sermons'. It was the first sermon in his new series, "Desperate Households," and the title was "What Every Desperate Husband Needs to Know."

The 30 Day Honor Your Husband Challenge

My good friend, and fellow ministry wife, Alida let us all in on a fantastic 30 day challenge to practice honoring our husbands a little more consistently. It is being sponsored by Christine over at Fruit in Season, and is based on an article by Nancy Leigh DeMoss that you can access at her ministry website, Revive Our Hearts.

This challenge really resonates with me for several reasons.

One is that, when I am really honest, I have to admit that my darling Chris falls down my priority list quite often. Yes, the other things that crowd the top of the list might be worthwhile distractions (like Nathan's medical needs, or chasing Carissa) but they are never an adequate excuse for failing to obeying God's command in my life to bring honor to my husband-the highest priority behind God himself.

Secondly, this challenge fits well with the work that God has been doing in my life recently (please see my post on "Five for Friday, #5"). As He draws me closer through His word and through His presence, things I need to work out of my life are bubbling up to the surface more frequently-such as a lack of obedience or true agape love for others-giving me the opportunity to work them out with His help. Making the honor of my husband a regular practice and priority fits in with the self discipline I have been trying to practice lately.

Finally, as a pastor's wife, one of the things that frustrates me the most is when others dishonor Chris, either by being disrespectful or by failing to see the depth of his character and love for God. We pastor's wives often have to stand by, exercising patience and self-control, while people malign our husbands either publicly or behind his back, usually because they don't agree with a leadership decision he has made. And I am here to tell you that IT STINKS. In fact, that is my least favorite thing about being a pastor's wife. So I see this challenge as an opportunity to make up for others' dishonoring behavior, and to publicly give honor to the great man that I, the woman who sees his faults and weaknesses more than anyone, know him to be.

First, I should make some goals for honoring my husband this week. So, here are mine:
1. To complain to him less. (Most of the time I use Chris as my 'release valve' for all of my pent-up frustration over Nathan's disabilities or the myriad of annoying things that happen in my life. He SO does not deserve this!)
2. To make time for him-either to talk with him about his work, share ideas from some of the things he is reading, or do some things more regularly that he is usually interested in more than me. (I hope no explanation is needed on the last one!!)
3. To pray for him, with him, so that he hears me, every day.

I came across a poem yesterday by Ruth Bell Graham (I'm rereading them this week!) that captures how I feel about my wonderful husband. In order to kick things off by publicly bringing him honor, I am going to post it here.

"I met you years ago
when
of all the men
I knew,
you,
I hero-worshipped
then:
you are my husband now,
my husband!
and from my home
(your arms),
I turn to look
down the long trail of years
to where I met you first
and hero-worshipped,
and I would smile;
...I know you better now:
the faults,
the odd preferments,
the differences
that make you you.
That other me
-so young,
so far away-
saw you
and hero-worshipped
but never knew;
while I,
grown wiser
with the closeness of these years,
hero-worship, too!"

-Ruth Bell Graham

My darling heart, I love you more now than I could have ever dreamed possible in my dreamy, romantic, idealist young girl's heart that fell for your brooding strength and depth of soul all those years ago! In the interim of time, I have seen the best and worst in you, and you are still the most Godly, loving, supportive, wise, smart and handsome man I have ever known. Your strength holds me fast when my world rocks on it's axis and your friendship is the most beautiful treasure God has given me-even more precious to me than Nathan and Carissa's smiles (and you understand more than anyone how I treasure those!). It is the honor of my life to stand beside you, my very identity wrapped up in you ("she is the pastor's wife..."), given a front row seat for all that God is doing in you and through you during our brief years on this earth. Thank you for cleaning up the kitchen each time I cook, taking Carissa out to let me have quiet time, getting up to let the nurse in so I can sleep a little longer, being transparent about your struggles so that I can find healing for myself without shame, correcting my horrible spelling and feeding me each week as my pastor. I love you!

A Great Woman of God, Part 2

In addendum to my post on the homegoing of Ruth Bell Graham:

After watching the broadcast of the memorial service for Ruth, I visited the website of the Billy Graham Evangelistic Association. I found there a beautiful photo montage of Ruth's life, and heartily recommend viewing it. On the page for memorials, I found that to honor her passing, the BGEA is making available on of her books to the general public at no cost. For those of you who read my previous post, one guess as to which book it is! Yes, my long sought-after "Sitting by my Laughing Fire." I cannot think of a more appropriate occasion for me to acquire it than Ruth's 'graduation' to all that she believed in for her entire life!

A Great Woman of God

My heart is heavy as I heard the news of the 'homegoing' of a great woman of God today-Ruth Bell Graham. For those of you who have not been blessed to read her writing or poetry or hear the testimony of her faithful life, Ruth is the wife of world-renowned evangelist Billy Graham.

In my late 20's, while plundering through odds and ends at a Goodwill store with my mom, I came across some books by Ruth, and thought she might be someone who would have something worthwhile to say. I bought one book, "Legacy of a Pack Rat," and took it home to read. I found myself, over the next few days, nudging Chris late at night and reading entire passages aloud to him from her book. Over the next couple of years I devoured anything and everything I could get my hands on that were written by or about her. I was drawn to her easy writing style, her humour, and her honesty in recounting the struggles of raising her children, so often without the influence of their father. Chris was on the road a lot at this time, ministering as an evangelist, and I remember thinking, "Well, the work of raising her five virtually by herself was probably comparable to the work of taking care of my Nathan, with his myriad of disabilities."

Later on, after reading all of her prose, I discovered her poetry. Never one to be especially fond of the medium, Ruth's poetry moved me deeply. It is often simple, capturing her deep love of nature or the day-to-day life of loving God and family. In my struggle with anxiety, I will often pull my volume of her poetry off my shelf and read a little-it never fails to bring me peace.

In the article about her death, her local pastor, Rev. Richard White, was quoted as saying, "She had the ability to move among presidents and leaders, but then turn right around and clean the oven of a widow." Ruth was always real, and I believe that she was Billy's anchor as God used him on the world stage to bring the gospel to millions. She shared in her writings that Billy would drift into areas of politics that she thought he ought not to move into, and she never hesitated to tell him so.

In this day and age, I am constantly disgusted by big-time ministers or pastors whose ministries become huge and then they leave behind chasing the kingdom to chase the world's standard of success. You know the ones I mean-the ones who live in multi-million dollar condos in Trump tower, or will only stay in six-diamond hotels if they take a speaking engagement. If anyone could have let kingdom success go to his head and make him earthly-minded, it was Billy Graham. Who else has, for generations, been called 'America's pastor'? But Ruth was always there for him to come home to, after rubbing elbows with the movers and shakers or sunburned from the media glare he attracted, full of gentle wisdom and practical sense in their humble cabin far up in the mountains of North Carolina that she built herself. Who knows where he might have wandered if not for the anchor of her candor and utter lack of pretense.

Now that I am a full-time pastor's wife, Ruth serves as a shining example of what I hope to be for my husband-a refuge, an anchor, a faithful steward of his home. Her motherhood and the results of it-five grown children faithfully serving God-serve as an example of what I hope to be as a mother. And her diligent, expository study of God's word and faithful struggle to put it into work in her daily life serve as an example of what it means to be a true disciple of this faith that I hold so dear.

By the way, that day in the Goodwill store there were several of Ruth's books on the bookshelf, but I only picked one to buy because I wasn't sure if I would like her work. In my subsequent collection of her writing, I have been eluded by one particular title which has long been out of print-a book called "Sitting By My Laughing Fire." I have kicked myself for the better part of a decade for not buying every single one of those books when I had the chance that day! (I know I can buy it on amazon, but I am just waiting for the happy day when God lets me come across it sitting on some used bookstore or antique store shelf! It has become my 'holy grail' of books, and I refuse to take the easy way out in finding it!!)

Ruth's degenerative arthritis was the result of an accident in which she fell out of a tree while helping her grandchildren to repair a swing. (No measly tree could stand in the way of this little powerhouse of a woman doing what her loved ones needed doing!) Now that she has finally been given a new body, one free of the pain that had crippled her in the last years of her life, I can just imagine her up there, climbing the tree of life and shaking down fruit for everyone. If there has ever been a person to whom I could easily iimagine God saying, "Well done, thou good and faithful servant," it is Ruth Bell Graham.

PS-Here are two of my favorite Ruth quotes, to reward you for reading through this long post. When asked about her views on marriage, Ruth said two very profound things: "If the two of you agree on everything, one of you is unnecessary" and to the question about whether she had ever considered divorce, "Divorce no, murder yes!"