A Touch Of Lovely

Kids Update

2008-03-30T20:47:00.006-04:00

A few of you long-time readers may be wondering how Nathan and Carissa have been doing during my long absence from blogging.

Nathan is doing great! He's coming up on twelve this summer (and I'm trying to practice admitting I have a twelve year old!), and 6th grade has been his best so far. He attends a great school with two of the best teachers on earth, and loves participating in adapted sports such as volleyball, bowling and basketball. He has been quite healthy and his CMS is in a very stable phase. He constantly entertains us all with his sense of humor and has really been working on making sounds and vocalizing recently.

Carissa is a wonder. She has finally finished potty-training and is smarter than her Daddy and I combined, although we are fighting hard to keep her from figuring that out yet! I must admit that I loooove having a three-year old-I never know what she will say next, and her observations on life force me to look at things through brand new eyes. She has become Mommy's buddy lately, and loves helping with any type of housework or chore (which I'm sure she will completely outgrow long before the teen years start!) She has a cadre of about six imaginary friends that she "leads/bosses" all around the house, and is convinced that all girls are princesses.

Spectacular Seattle!!

2007-09-07T23:59:00.000-04:00

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Since I have already shared some of our pics from Orlando in earlier posts I thought you might enjoy some snapshots of our time in Seattle, Tacoma and Gig Harbor. I really think this part of the country is pretty close to heaven on earth!

Farewell, Sabbatical!

2007-09-05T12:58:00.000-04:00

I can't believe that our five-week sabbatical is over already! This time away from our responsibilities of caring and planning for our congregation has been more restful, more enriching, and more restoring than I had dared to hope. I now have a better perspective on just how close to total burnout Chris and I both were. That noted, I must say that after this month I am more relaxed, centered, healthy and happy than I remember being in years. But the really good news is that I feel we have laid the ground work for both of us to remain on this track of better health and perspective for the foreseeable future.

One of the main highlights of our month for me was seeing United at Team Church '07. That concert was one of those transcendent experiences you remember your whole life. And it wasn't just the concert, it was the time that we got to spend hearing the members of United talk about their music and their heart for worship and justice that made this a memorable experience.

I freely admit that I am a United junkie. I have loved their music since I heard my first United CD, and if I were a twenty-one year old, I think I would just travel the world going to all of their concerts! (In fact, it is quite possible that I have a crush on Joel Houston! He's like a modern day David. He's really tall, he has a ruddy complexion and he's pretty cute to look upon, if a middle-ish-aged preacher's wife may observe. Add in his deeply moving song lyrics, and all I can say is "Ahhh!" I have always had a thing for musicians-Chris was a drummer when we fell in love. I told Chris that if I were a teenaged girl I think I'd have his poster on my wall!) Okay, back to reality now...

I came away from their sessions during the conference deeply impressed with the spiritual maturity of these young men and women-their naked hunger for God and His presence, and their undeniable commitment to seek justice for the poor and downtrodden. There was a passion and a driving purpose in these young people that I have not seen even in career ministers of the gospel! And to hear their hearts and then to go see them in action, using their phenomenal talents for the glory of God and seeing hundreds of youth worshipping with abandon after waiting in line for hours to get in to the venue was truly a life-changing experience.

Not only did I enjoy this from a music and worship standpoint-their example has spurred me on to work on discover what I am passionate about in this world and to find a way to do it! Motherhood and ministry remain the things I care most deeply about, but I also believe that there is a unique purpose within me and over the next few months I intend to search for it. During our sabbatical I was challenged to come up with an action plan of things to do to keep burnout and fatigue from reoccurring once we came back, and this is one of the items on my plan. I plan to spend more time exploring things outside of my normal realm of church and home, such as the great museums and galleries in our metro area, and maybe even take a class or two at the community college. So we'll see what develops from there!

So Sorry, SeaWorld!

2007-08-22T23:06:00.001-04:00

I owe Sea World an apology. In 2004, during our Make-A-Wish trip, we spent a morning there, and it was just not on par with Disney for their disability support. We experienced a long, frustrating time, fighting crowds and long lines with a wheelchair and seeing staff just shrug their shoulders over and over because there was no policy or training in place for them to know how to help us to help Nathan experience things. (As a special-needs mom, I must give a shout out to Disney because I have never seen a staff more well-trained about how to help families navigate their park and experiences!!) After that, I swore I would never go back.

Well, I am eating those words as I sit here typing. After weighing the pros and cons of Sea World vs. Universal with a toddler, Sea World won. And we had a great day! The temps here were 96 with a heat index over 105, but SW seemed much cooler than Epcot because of all the shade trees over the walkways. We fed the dolphins again, which was the highlight of our last trip, but we found so much more to do. The shark tank was amazing and the sea lions were hilarious! Carissa thoroughly enjoyed the Elmo Rocks show-she (and we!) got to see all of our beloved Sesame Street characters, from Cookie Monster to Bert & Ernie.

I humbly apologize to you, Sea World! Thanks for the great day!

Streams in our desert

2007-08-20T15:49:00.001-04:00

We spent yesterday at the poolS! Yes, I said pools-PLURAL! We had intended to go to an area church we wanted to visit, but didn't make it, since we all woke up at 11:45 am!!! I have never slept that late without waking up at all in my entire life. Normally our nurse comes in each day at 6 am, so my bladder is conditioned to wake me at that time. Well, even it slept in! So we ate lunch, explored the resort and headed to the pool. It was the most relaxing Sunday we have had in quite a while!

Today we headed out for our first day at Disney. First up, Epcot. Big props to KT, friend of Moriah's brother Daniel, who works at Disney and got us in for free! Not only that, she served as our personal tour guide and photographer. Carissa was all ready to see Nemo in the Living Seas ride, but KT noticed that the line to meet characters was really short so we went there first. It was truly magical seeing Carissa meet Mickey & Minnie in person. At first she was hesitant, but by the end of the line, after we had seen all of the characters, she would hardly let go after hugging each one! (Mommy was quite relieved that she wasn't screaming like many of the other toddlers!) And we got plenty of autographs:

After that it was on to Nemo and Talking with Crush. They were as amazing as we had expected! And, since we are not fish (who are "friends, NOT FOOD!") Bruce the shark obligingly ate us for a photo op:

Then we headed over to Germany in the World Showcase, where Chris obligingly ate a bratwurst with sauerkraut!

We left around 2 pm, once the heat was really getting miserable, but we are heading back tonight for some of the Magic Kingdom once it's cooler.

2007-08-19T13:08:00.000-04:00

Well, we are finally in Florida, and this is the first time so far that I really feel like we are on sabbatical. We had a fantastic flight down yesterday with only two hours of airtime to get here (versus the 16 hour drive!!!), during which our adorable toddler slept the entire time!

During our trip to Seattle last week, I kept seeing things and having random thoughts and thinking, "I have to blog about that!" But then when we got home I couldn't remember a one of them! (I know, I know, many of you are not surprised at that!) I do still hope to write about all that we experienced during that week here in MomMusings, but I have made a resolution that I will blog in little increments during this trip so that it won't escape me. And this way, you all get to come along with us!

So, that said, I have to share that our villa is B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L!!! We are staying at Cypress Harbour in Orlando. We have a two bedroom villa with a direct view of the pool and lake. I took some pictures so you guys could settle right in with us:

Our view from the patio:

Miss Sunshine State:

We're off in a bit to explore the resort. It has a boat ride across the lake, an activity center and three different pool areas! Tomorrow we hit Disney, and I can't wait to see it through Carissa's eyes!

Caring for the Pastor's Wife

2007-08-13T23:46:00.000-04:00

Wow! My cyber-friend Julie over at the accidental pastor's wife posted a link to this amazing blog post by Pastor Erik over at his Bright Wings blog about how to care for the pastor's wife. I am especially glad someone has spoken up on the point of praying for her and fighting for her. The blog post speaks for itself. Enjoy!

World's Most Beautiful Women's Restroom View

2007-08-13T22:36:00.000-04:00

After years of visiting many a woman's restroom I have found it. Dirty ones, smelly ones, ones you wouldn't make your hamster use-each time you have to go it seems to get more dingy and disgusting, am I right ladies? Well, that's just not the way they do things down in this little spot of heaven on earth that we discovered during our all-too-brief time in Gig Harbor, Washington.

We stopped for lunch at a fantastic place called the Tides Tavern. It sits right on the waterfront, and also happens to have the best fish and chips you've ever wrapped your lips around. During our meal, I begrudgingly got up from the amazing view to run to the ladies room, when "Surprise! Surprise!" (to quote Gomer Pyle) THIS is what I found:I wanted to sit there all day! As you can see, they even provided a comfy window seat, which you can see but probably not believe in the right hand side of the picture, from which to soak in this magnificent view. Instead of flickering fluorescent lighting and the sound of flushing toilets, there was a flood of natural light and the sound of the seagulls outside. It just goes to show you that you never know what you'll find behind each ladies room swinging door!

Honor Your Husband, Part 3

2007-07-03T12:48:00.001-04:00

This week was not the best week of the challenge so far. I was extremely sick from Saturday to Monday and it's pretty hard to honor anybody when your insides feel like a hurricane has hit them! Poor Chris had to take on full-time toddler, maid and dinner duties, all while prepping for his sermon on Sunday (which, incidentally, was about wives submitting to their husbands!!) I did try to thank him for all of his extra work, and not notice the things he didn't do like I would have.

I have observed some difficulties that are unique to having a "ministry marriage" during the last two weeks. We had one arise Sunday afternoon. Chris came home very upset from church because a petty dispute had been brought to his attention. He was angry and heartsick over the fact that such a minor issue was distracting us from focusing on reaching people. He was questioning whether he should give in on this minor point, because it really wasn't a big deal and as he said, it just wasn't a hill he was ready to die on. When he told me about all of this, I got mad. The fact that it wasn't a big deal and these few people were still willing to complain and refuse to submit to authority indicated a character issue to me, and I felt that, as such, it should not be catered to or swept under the rug. I was angry at these people and the situation, but not at him; however, the end result of our conversation was that he felt that he hadn't been listened to and that he was unsupported. My reaction brought that church disagreement right over and smack in the middle of our home.

I spent the next few hours, stuck in bed, mulling over the situation and my reaction. One thing God showed me was that, although I was right in defending Chris' pastoral authority, I had not been understanding of his pastoral responsibility. He was looking at the big picture and I was focusing on the little issue. The other thing I was convicted about was that I didn't fulfill my job description. My job as his wife is to provide an emotional outlet for him and try to make our home a haven from all of the difficulties of dealing with people in the church. There might have come a time and place where it would have been appropriate for me to share my opinion with him, but right then he needed a wife, not an opinion. Even while being sick, I could have sought to speak words of encouragement and support instead of arguing my point of view.

I find myself often bringing up situations like this in the church, either cracking jokes about them or spouting off my opinions. I am resolving this week to try and leave this stuff out of our home life. I will try to let my mouth be ruled by Ephesians 4:29 (The Message), "Say only what helps, each word a gift." (Wow, a gift! What if we all imagined each of our words as either a gift wrapped package or a weapon of destruction! That's a powerful word picture!) In fact, in Day Nine of Nancy Leigh DeMoss's 30-Day Encouragement Challenge, she suggests that "if listening is a real problem for you, play a game with yourself. See if you can listen to your husband for one whole day, only speaking when asked a question." Now, I may have to give Chris some advance warning that I'm trying this little experiment, because if this Chatty Cathy gets quiet he may assume I'm giving him the 'silent treatment'!!

So, trying to listen to him more and talk less about church issues are my two goals for the next week. And in making an effort to publicly praise my husband, I am hereby offering him this post as a public, and humble, apology.

The Hand of The Surgeon

2007-06-29T15:15:00.001-04:00

Over the course of Nathan's illness, we have been privileged to meet some amazing doctors and surgeons. Some of these doctors have been world-renowned in their particular specialty, and sought-after for their particular expertise. People from all over come to them because this doctor holds their only hope for recovery, due to their unique skill or understanding.

In my devotional reading this morning, I came to see God's work in my life in a different context than usual. I am used to seeing Him as a majestic Creator, a merciful Savior, a loving Father (and even a tender Mother!) But today He revealed his work as the faithful Surgeon.

I was reading in Psalm 139 and Psalm 51. A powerful metaphor emerged from these passages. The Psalmist writes "Search me, O God, and know my heart, test me and know my anxious thoughts," and in another passage, "O Lord, you have examined my heart..." A skilled surgeon's work in our life always begins with a thorough examination and a battery of testing. These tools in the surgeon's hand give him an accurate picture of the full extent of the damage and the amount of work it will take to fix the problem. He also uses this information to determine if the end result is worth the investment and risk of his work. The surgeon not only gathers data with an exam and tests, he compiles a complete history. In verses 2 through 5 of Psalm 139 we see that this skillful surgeon has taken into account the patient's lifestyle and habits with such thorough understanding that the Psalmist declares, "You know everything about me." The patient humbly declares his complete dependence upon the surgeon's interpretation of this data and his diagnosis for the repair, stating, "Such knowledge...is too great for me to understand!"

We go on to read, "Point out anything that offends you." The patient is inviting the great surgeon to render his diagnosis, and prescribe the necessary surgery to bring wholeness again. We have implicit trust in the surgeon's findings and opinions, because he carries the impressive resume contained in Psalm 139, verses 13 through 16. It turns out that the surgeon was the Creator in the first place, so who better to know how to fix the defect? In fact, the patient has been desperate for the great doctor's attention, ("Do not banish me from your presence" Ps 51:11) because no other surgeon can even perform the operation. And we also trust this physician because his motivation for repairing our brokenness is love, not money or prestige. Verses 17 through 18 tell us of the tender thoughts the surgeon has for us, thinking through the procedure over and over so that he can best repair our damage.

Then the scene changes. The day of surgery has arrived. The great surgeon plunges into the operation. "Create..." "Blot out..." "Make willing..." "Renew..." His brow drips with sweat as he wrestles out the iniquity that is buried deep within us. He is utterly concentrated on his great work. At last he is done, and as the patient wakes from anesthesia he exclaims, "You are still with me," for the great surgeon has stayed right by his side all the way through to the recovery room!

Great Surgeon, possess my heart and body today. Perform your assessment and prescribe the surgery necessary to restore me to your original design. I give myself over willingly, mind and body, to your surgeon's skill and to your tender love for me, to do as you see fit. Amen.

Honor Your Husband, Part 2

2007-06-26T22:33:00.000-04:00

Well, as usual, I am a day late on posting for our Honor Your Husband challenge. This week has had it's good days and bad days. In preparation for this post, I was reflecting back on the week's successes and failures. Then I decided to get it straight from the horse's mouth, so I asked my husband. (Yes, I know it's not honoring to call your husband a horse-it's just a figure of speech!)

Allison: So, you know about the 30-day Honor Your Husband Challenge-thingy I've been doing? What do you think so far?

Chris: I wish it would last longer than 30 days!

Yeah! Hopefully that indicates that he has noticed a difference. He went on to say that he felt I had worked on all of my goals for the first week, and that the goal about making, um, time for him was his favorite! (Go figure...) I asked him what things I should work on for this week, and he said to definitely carry through on the, uh, time one. My new goal, in addition to following through with last week's three, is:

-To try and be more affectionate with him, and if it leads to his favorite goal, then so be it.

I'm excited to see what everyone else's new goals are and how their week went as well.

PS-It was really easy to honor him on Sunday, after he preached a rockin' message about husbands. I highly recommend that you check it out if you have time to listen. Just click on "our church" in the right-hand column and then on 'sermons'. It was the first sermon in his new series, "Desperate Households," and the title was "What Every Desperate Husband Needs to Know."

A Lonely Life

2007-06-24T23:01:00.000-04:00

My good friend and fellow pastor's wife, Julie, recently posted one of the best blog posts about being a pastor's wife that I have ever read. I heartily recommend checking it out here: The Accidental Pastor's Wife: It Really Is a Lonely Life. Really.

I especially identify with #2. There is often so much going on behind the scenes that we, as pastor's wives, are aware of but the average person is not. I once had an issue with a church member who had just announced a major change in her life that was taking her away from our congregation. There had been a lot going on behind the scenes in ministry that week and, frankly, I was preoccupied with it that Sunday. Later I heard through the grapevine that she felt my husband and I were 'mad' with her because she left. I called to try and clear the air, and she said, "Well, I just don't feel that you were there for me."

I do wish people would show grace to us when we are dealing with our own personal or professional issues. It is hard not to slip into 'wearing the mask' when it feels like people really don't want us to be real with them. And then, your existance, though busy and crowded with people nearly every single day, becomes a very lonely one indeed! Thanks, Julie, for sharing on this difficult topic!

Holland v. Italy

2007-06-19T14:02:00.000-04:00

The ladies over at girltalk have continued their series on special moms with special needs kids, introducing us to another amazingly courageous mother, Irene. In their third post in this series (on June 14) they shared a mind-blowing, biblically-sound article entitled, "Then shall the lame leap like a deer; God and the disabled," written by Peter Avery, who is the dad of a child with special needs. They received special permission to link to it, so hop on over to their blog and click on their link to read it. It is the best biblical argument regarding why God allows disabilities that I have ever read. In fact, I printed out a copy to give to the next well-meaning, overly-spiritual person who implies to us that something is wrong because Nathan has not been healed yet!

A friend of mine who has a brother with disabilities commented on my first post regarding mothers with special needs kids by saying, "I have spent many nights as a teenager crying myself to sleep because I was mourning that my little brother would would not be able to have the life I had dreamed of for him." She hit on a fundamental issue of having a loved one who is disabled-mourning the loss of their opportunity for a normal life. When Nathan was born, we were so caught up in believing that God would heal him any day and trying to learn to take care of him, that it was months before this period of mourning set in in my life. No one explained to me for a long time that when you expect and plan for a healthy baby, and your baby is born with disabilities, you mourn the loss of the healthy baby you anticipated and planned for, just as if you had lost a child to death. A wonderful nurse who cared for Nathan right after he was born sent me a card, and in it she included an essay that changed my life and allowed me to finally stop and mourn my loss, so that I could move on to healing. It is entitled, "Welcome to Holland," and was written by Emily Perl Kingsly. It reads:

"I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland."

I still cry every time I read this, because it so perfectly describes the emotions of having a child with disabilites. During our eleven years I have indeed learned to love the tulips, windmills and Rembrants of Holland. And I have now been blessed to live in both "Holland" and "Italy," since the birth of our healthy daughter, Carissa. I have finally been able to experience for myself that both destinations have their pluses and minuses. But I wouldn't trade my time in either place for anything in the world!

The 30 Day Honor Your Husband Challenge

2007-06-18T17:24:00.000-04:00

My good friend, and fellow ministry wife, Alida let us all in on a fantastic 30 day challenge to practice honoring our husbands a little more consistently. It is being sponsored by Christine over at Fruit in Season, and is based on an article by Nancy Leigh DeMoss that you can access at her ministry website, Revive Our Hearts.

This challenge really resonates with me for several reasons.

One is that, when I am really honest, I have to admit that my darling Chris falls down my priority list quite often. Yes, the other things that crowd the top of the list might be worthwhile distractions (like Nathan's medical needs, or chasing Carissa) but they are never an adequate excuse for failing to obeying God's command in my life to bring honor to my husband-the highest priority behind God himself.

Secondly, this challenge fits well with the work that God has been doing in my life recently (please see my post on "Five for Friday, #5"). As He draws me closer through His word and through His presence, things I need to work out of my life are bubbling up to the surface more frequently-such as a lack of obedience or true agape love for others-giving me the opportunity to work them out with His help. Making the honor of my husband a regular practice and priority fits in with the self discipline I have been trying to practice lately.

Finally, as a pastor's wife, one of the things that frustrates me the most is when others dishonor Chris, either by being disrespectful or by failing to see the depth of his character and love for God. We pastor's wives often have to stand by, exercising patience and self-control, while people malign our husbands either publicly or behind his back, usually because they don't agree with a leadership decision he has made. And I am here to tell you that IT STINKS. In fact, that is my least favorite thing about being a pastor's wife. So I see this challenge as an opportunity to make up for others' dishonoring behavior, and to publicly give honor to the great man that I, the woman who sees his faults and weaknesses more than anyone, know him to be.

First, I should make some goals for honoring my husband this week. So, here are mine:
1. To complain to him less. (Most of the time I use Chris as my 'release valve' for all of my pent-up frustration over Nathan's disabilities or the myriad of annoying things that happen in my life. He SO does not deserve this!)
2. To make time for him-either to talk with him about his work, share ideas from some of the things he is reading, or do some things more regularly that he is usually interested in more than me. (I hope no explanation is needed on the last one!!)
3. To pray for him, with him, so that he hears me, every day.

I came across a poem yesterday by Ruth Bell Graham (I'm rereading them this week!) that captures how I feel about my wonderful husband. In order to kick things off by publicly bringing him honor, I am going to post it here.

"I met you years ago
when
of all the men
I knew,
you,
I hero-worshipped
then:
you are my husband now,
my husband!
and from my home
(your arms),
I turn to look
down the long trail of years
to where I met you first
and hero-worshipped,
and I would smile;
...I know you better now:
the faults,
the odd preferments,
the differences
that make you you.
That other me
-so young,
so far away-
saw you
and hero-worshipped
but never knew;
while I,
grown wiser
with the closeness of these years,
hero-worship, too!"

-Ruth Bell Graham

My darling heart, I love you more now than I could have ever dreamed possible in my dreamy, romantic, idealist young girl's heart that fell for your brooding strength and depth of soul all those years ago! In the interim of time, I have seen the best and worst in you, and you are still the most Godly, loving, supportive, wise, smart and handsome man I have ever known. Your strength holds me fast when my world rocks on it's axis and your friendship is the most beautiful treasure God has given me-even more precious to me than Nathan and Carissa's smiles (and you understand more than anyone how I treasure those!). It is the honor of my life to stand beside you, my very identity wrapped up in you ("she is the pastor's wife..."), given a front row seat for all that God is doing in you and through you during our brief years on this earth. Thank you for cleaning up the kitchen each time I cook, taking Carissa out to let me have quiet time, getting up to let the nurse in so I can sleep a little longer, being transparent about your struggles so that I can find healing for myself without shame, correcting my horrible spelling and feeding me each week as my pastor. I love you!

A Great Woman of God, Part 2

2007-06-16T19:23:00.000-04:00

In addendum to my post on the homegoing of Ruth Bell Graham:

After watching the broadcast of the memorial service for Ruth, I visited the website of the Billy Graham Evangelistic Association. I found there a beautiful photo montage of Ruth's life, and heartily recommend viewing it. On the page for memorials, I found that to honor her passing, the BGEA is making available on of her books to the general public at no cost. For those of you who read my previous post, one guess as to which book it is! Yes, my long sought-after "Sitting by my Laughing Fire." I cannot think of a more appropriate occasion for me to acquire it than Ruth's 'graduation' to all that she believed in for her entire life!

A Great Woman of God

2007-06-15T12:15:00.000-04:00

My heart is heavy as I heard the news of the 'homegoing' of a great woman of God today-Ruth Bell Graham. For those of you who have not been blessed to read her writing or poetry or hear the testimony of her faithful life, Ruth is the wife of world-renowned evangelist Billy Graham.

In my late 20's, while plundering through odds and ends at a Goodwill store with my mom, I came across some books by Ruth, and thought she might be someone who would have something worthwhile to say. I bought one book, "Legacy of a Pack Rat," and took it home to read. I found myself, over the next few days, nudging Chris late at night and reading entire passages aloud to him from her book. Over the next couple of years I devoured anything and everything I could get my hands on that were written by or about her. I was drawn to her easy writing style, her humour, and her honesty in recounting the struggles of raising her children, so often without the influence of their father. Chris was on the road a lot at this time, ministering as an evangelist, and I remember thinking, "Well, the work of raising her five virtually by herself was probably comparable to the work of taking care of my Nathan, with his myriad of disabilities."

Later on, after reading all of her prose, I discovered her poetry. Never one to be especially fond of the medium, Ruth's poetry moved me deeply. It is often simple, capturing her deep love of nature or the day-to-day life of loving God and family. In my struggle with anxiety, I will often pull my volume of her poetry off my shelf and read a little-it never fails to bring me peace.

In the article about her death, her local pastor, Rev. Richard White, was quoted as saying, "She had the ability to move among presidents and leaders, but then turn right around and clean the oven of a widow." Ruth was always real, and I believe that she was Billy's anchor as God used him on the world stage to bring the gospel to millions. She shared in her writings that Billy would drift into areas of politics that she thought he ought not to move into, and she never hesitated to tell him so.

In this day and age, I am constantly disgusted by big-time ministers or pastors whose ministries become huge and then they leave behind chasing the kingdom to chase the world's standard of success. You know the ones I mean-the ones who live in multi-million dollar condos in Trump tower, or will only stay in six-diamond hotels if they take a speaking engagement. If anyone could have let kingdom success go to his head and make him earthly-minded, it was Billy Graham. Who else has, for generations, been called 'America's pastor'? But Ruth was always there for him to come home to, after rubbing elbows with the movers and shakers or sunburned from the media glare he attracted, full of gentle wisdom and practical sense in their humble cabin far up in the mountains of North Carolina that she built herself. Who knows where he might have wandered if not for the anchor of her candor and utter lack of pretense.

Now that I am a full-time pastor's wife, Ruth serves as a shining example of what I hope to be for my husband-a refuge, an anchor, a faithful steward of his home. Her motherhood and the results of it-five grown children faithfully serving God-serve as an example of what I hope to be as a mother. And her diligent, expository study of God's word and faithful struggle to put it into work in her daily life serve as an example of what it means to be a true disciple of this faith that I hold so dear.

By the way, that day in the Goodwill store there were several of Ruth's books on the bookshelf, but I only picked one to buy because I wasn't sure if I would like her work. In my subsequent collection of her writing, I have been eluded by one particular title which has long been out of print-a book called "Sitting By My Laughing Fire." I have kicked myself for the better part of a decade for not buying every single one of those books when I had the chance that day! (I know I can buy it on amazon, but I am just waiting for the happy day when God lets me come across it sitting on some used bookstore or antique store shelf! It has become my 'holy grail' of books, and I refuse to take the easy way out in finding it!!)

Ruth's degenerative arthritis was the result of an accident in which she fell out of a tree while helping her grandchildren to repair a swing. (No measly tree could stand in the way of this little powerhouse of a woman doing what her loved ones needed doing!) Now that she has finally been given a new body, one free of the pain that had crippled her in the last years of her life, I can just imagine her up there, climbing the tree of life and shaking down fruit for everyone. If there has ever been a person to whom I could easily iimagine God saying, "Well done, thou good and faithful servant," it is Ruth Bell Graham.

PS-Here are two of my favorite Ruth quotes, to reward you for reading through this long post. When asked about her views on marriage, Ruth said two very profound things: "If the two of you agree on everything, one of you is unnecessary" and to the question about whether she had ever considered divorce, "Divorce no, murder yes!"

Musing on the Master

2007-06-14T15:37:00.001-04:00

A few of my pastor's wife friends and I have been sharing our struggle with anxiety recently. This morning, as I was reading Knowing God by J. I. Packer, I came across a quote that impacted me profoundly. Packer is quoting a young Charles Spurgeon (who, at the time of preaching this, was only twenty years old!), and so I quote him here:

"Oh, there is, in contemplating Christ, a balm for every wound; in musing on the Father, there is a quietus for every grief; and in the influence of the Holy Ghost, there is a balsam for every sore. Would you lose your sorrow? Would you drown your cares? Then go, plunge yourself in the Godhead's deepest sea; be lost in his immensity; and you shall come forth as from a couch of rest, refreshed and invigorated. I know nothing which can so comfort the soul; so calm the swelling billows of sorrow and grief; so speak peace to the winds of trial, as a devout musing upon the subject of the Godhead."

As one who has struggled with anxiety, I have come to acknowledge two things. One is that as my knowledge of God increases my anxiety decreases. As a child of God, I cannot become more deeply aquainted with His power and His authority without being comforted in my fear. Paul said, "...for I know Him Whom I have believed and I am [positively] persuaded that He is able to guard and keep that which has been entrusted to me and which I have committed [to Him] until that day." (2 Timothy 1:12, Amplified) As I see Him more fully, as I see the might of His arms, and begin to catch a glimse of the tender, fatherly love with which He watches over me and those I love, my trust in Him grows and my fear lessens. And two, many times the issue of control is at the root of my anxiety. I am desperate to remain in control of what may happen to those I love, all the while seeing how useless my control is because I am so weak. But as I give over control to Him, in whom my weakness is made into strength, my anxiety vanishes like the remnants of a summer storm in the face of the sun.

As one who has often longed to drown the very life out of the cares that hound and harrass me, I have set my face to know God, to plunge myself into His immensity, and allow him to speak peace to the winds of my life. This Mom will be "Musing on the Father" from now on!

Special Needs Moms

2007-06-13T11:16:00.000-04:00

My good friend Julie kindly directed my attention to an article about mothers of special needs children on a great blog called "girltalk." I have read this fantastic blog before, but when I clicked on the link and began to read this article I found myself crying. I have never heard another woman's account of motherhood that sounds so similar to my own.

I rarely talk about the emotional side of what it is like to have a child with severe disabilities. In fact, the blogging I have done here in MomMusings is the only mention I have made of it, other than talking with Chris-which is one of the main reasons for my blog. I had a discussion with a friend over coffee recently in which we talked about dealing with Nathan's disabilities, and she said, "Well, no one really would know because you guys never really talk about it. You never share with others how difficult it must be!" I find it hard to articulate for two reasons: 1.) I would never want to come across as whining, because having Nathan be my son is one of the highest privileges of my life. He is (in my opinion!) the most amazing boy on the face of planet earth, and I marvel that I get to know him and spend time with him every day!! And 2.) as a good Southern girl, you try to "make nice" all the time. Talking about having a son who is profoundly handicapped, and how that impacts you emotionally is usually a real conversation stopper! It makes others uncomfortable that you hurt and they can't do anything for you, and it just seems to lead to an awkward silence.

But I cannot thank the ladies over at "girltalk" enough for allowing one mother to share her story, so that we all can live vicariously through her! Thank you, Diane, for being so transparent about such private pain and struggle. I can't wait to read the next article in the series!!

Brainwashing Exposed!!!

2007-06-11T19:47:00.001-04:00

I walked into the kitchen this afternoon to find the contents of my purse strewn all over the floor. The following enlightening conversation then ensued:

Carissa: I'm gonna put all Mommy's stuff back in her purse! (Stated emphatically, as if this is entirely her idea and she knows it's a good one.)
Mommy: That sounds like a good idea.
Carissa: Oh look, a coin! It must be Daddy's!
Mommy: Well, it was in Mommy's purse. Don't you think it might belong to Mommy?
Carissa: No, it's Daddy's. All the coins belong to Daddy.

I am now convinced that brainwashing has been taking place around here during the 12.4 minutes a week that I am out of the house!

Somebody Stop Me!

2007-06-01T13:51:00.000-04:00

Okay, last little thing-I was just looking back over my blogging posts and realized that my second post was about our Pentecost service last year, so I guess that means I've been around in the blogging universe for a year now!!

Happy Anniversary To Me!

Five for Friday #5: Wow!

2007-06-01T11:53:00.000-04:00

So you may be wondering why, for a lady who blogs only occasionally with no discipline or routine whatsoever (unlike my inspiring friend and blogger The Accidental Pastor's Wife), there are 5 new blog posts with today's date. There are two reasons for that.

#1. The preceding four blog posts have been sitting in my mental inbox over the last couple of days, but I have not had time to sit at the computer and write them. I'm trying to limit my time at the computer lately, so the last few days have been full of such creative activities as flower arranging and cooking in addition to the usual picking up after the toddler, laundry, picking up after the toddler, medical stuff for Nathan and picking up again after the toddler!

#2. The over-arching reason for this creative renaissance in my life is that God is doing mighty things in my spirit. Many of you may not specifically know that I have struggled over the last few years with depression and anxiety. It had gotten to the point where I was spending many days in my pjs in front of the tv all day long. (The tv is great when you have depression or anxiety, because they pretty much solve any kind of crisis in either a half-hour or an hour!) Last Sunday during our altar service, a young lady in our congregation with a beautiful spirit began to pray for me after I had been ministering to others and spontaneously began to pray for deliverance from depression and anxiety. There is no way she could have known about those struggles in my life. During her prayer, I physically felt God doing 'surgery' on my emotions, pulling out long-rooted growth of strongholds and hurts. In the days since, I feel as if I am beginning to live again for the first time. I am so hungry for God and His word that I can't get enough. I want to spend so much time in fellowship with Him that I've been prone to let things go around here-a good thing for a woman hung up on getting things done in every spare moment. I have been reading even more vociferously than usual-and here's the true sign of MAJOR change-anything non-fiction I can get my hands on! I feel like a wide-eyed kid who has discovered that the world is full of things to learn about. I am moving on a journey for which I don't know the specific destination, but I really don't care because the scenery is fascinating to me, and I'm just happy to be moving at all!

Five for Friday #4: A BBQ for God!

2007-06-01T11:29:00.000-04:00

I was reading in Ephesians yesterday. I love that book-it's so upbeat and useful! I got to the beginning of chapter 5, and read, "Live a life filled with love, following the example of Christ. He loved us, and offered himself as a sacrifice for us, a pleasing aroma to God." That last bit about the pleasing aroma stopped me. I'm all about wanting to be pleasing to God, so I began to wonder, "What aroma is pleasing to God, and how can I smell like that?"

Now when I think about pleasing aromas, the perfume counter at Macy's comes to my mind. All of those pretty bottles and a scent for every mood and occasion, none of which I will be likely to afford any time soon. But since the word sacrifice was used in the previous sentence, I don't really think expensive perfume is what we are talking about here. [Yes, I know the story about the woman with the alabaster box, but I'm making a point here!] Sacrifice in the OT usually meant the burning of animal flesh on an open fire. Basically, a big bbq pit. It didn't take the greatest theological scholar to figure out the symbolism of burning flesh with fire to atone for iniquity and to move closer to holiness in God.

I sat there thinking about all of this, and being the foodie that I am, I began to imagine summertime in the evening, when all of our neighbors open up those grills and the neighborhood begins to smell intoxicating! You drive down the street with your car window open and say (to quote Carmen, old school), "Give me som' o' dat!!" Since I truly believe that the love of food and the bountiful , beautiful ingredients God has given us to use indicate that He might be a foodie too, I think I have hit upon this mysterious aroma! Think about it-when you smell that smell you begin to salivate in anticipation of what is to come. I'm going to seek to have such an aroma in my life. I'm gonna gleefully set ablaze my fleshly desires so that the aroma that is given off will draw others in, in anticipation and excitement of what God is doing in my life and what He can do in theirs. I'm gonna have a BBQ for God!

Five for Friday #3: Summer Breakfast

2007-06-01T11:17:00.000-04:00

Okay, if you haven't figured it out yet, I looooove to cook! I get excited over a perfectly ripe tomato like other women drool over diamonds. So after my ecstatic preparation of homemade spaghetti with meatballs (see Five for Friday #2) I had all of this beautiful basil left sitting in my kitchen window, begging to be used. Here's what I came up with-it makes a perfect summertime breakfast!

1 plum tomato, diced
4 basil leaves, rolled together and sliced into slivers
drizzle extra virgin olive oil
salt & pepper
2 eggs, lightly beaten with 1 tbsp. of water
3 tbsp. or so of shredded cheese, whatever kind you have on hand
2 slices of soft Italian bread

Dice the tomato in a large dice and combine with the shredded basil. Add kosher salt & freshly ground pepper to taste and drizzle combo with evoo. Stir to combine and set aside.

Season eggs with salt & pepper. Lightly beat eggs with water until foamy. Melt a pat of unsalted butter in pan and scramble eggs gently, making sure they don't become too hard. When they are almost done to your desired firmness, sprinkle the cheese over the top, remove from heat and allow cheese to melt.

Lightly toast two slices of bread (you can spread them with a little butter to soften). Lay a slice of toasted bread on plate, cover with the eggs with cheese, and top with the tomato and basil mixture!

All I can say is, "YUMMM!"

Five for Friday #2: Just like my mamma

2007-06-01T10:59:00.000-04:00

Wednesday night there was no one keeping the nursery (since it was a 5th Wed.) so I got to stay home with Carissa and Nathan. Nothing like feeling as if you are playing hookey to bring out the creativity in you! I spent about two solid hours in my kitchen, rocking out to some great worship by Salvadore and making homemade Spaghetti con polpette, or spagetti with meatballs. This was a total 'food of love' thing! I had freshly ground beef, veal and pork for the meatballs, gorgeous extra virgin olive oil, beautiful summer basil, and cans of sweet San Marzano tomatoes from Italy. I was like the conductor of a world-class orchestra with the world's first-chairs at my disposal!

Need I mention that it turned out spectacular!! Chris did his best "What About Bob?" impression, groaning in pleasure with each bite. Since I was using my God-given talents in an expression of praise to God, I'm pretty sure I was having church there in that kitchen with the music and the simmering pots! I am positive that it was one of the best worship experiences of my life!!

Now I must add that, all of my life, my mother has been famous for forgetting something in the microwave whenever she makes a big meal. We will have eaten and be cleaning up the kitchen, and open the microwave to reveal the corn or beans or whatever that she got so busy she just left there! Well, I am my mamma's daughter! When I started my meatballs, I lovingly sauteed the finely minced onions and garlic in the beautiful, green olive oil. The concoction was too hot to put directly into the meat mixture, so I stuck it in the freezer to cool for a minute. Guess what greeted me the next morning?? I just about cried!

Five for Friday #1: Look Ma, All Hands!

2007-06-01T10:53:00.000-04:00

I helped to clean out a storage room at church this week that was full of old flower arrangements. I poached these red ranunculus (???ranunculii, ranunculuses???) and greenery from the trash, and reworked them to make a new arrangement for my dining room table, which I was sorely needing!! I think it turned out rather well for someone with no experience at this sort of thing!!

My Weakness

2007-05-29T09:29:00.000-04:00

God and I met before coffee this morning. (There truly is something about meeting Him early in the morning!) As I prayed and talked and worried aloud and spilled my guts, I fell into my usual routine of confessing all of the things I should do that I don't and asking for protection against all of the things that scare me that I can't control. In other words, my weakness. The infirmity of my flesh and the smallness of my might.

But God spoke something to my heart that knocked my socks off-He told me that He created my weakness! It didn't catch Him by surprise. He put it there. He isn't shocked, or disgusted, or offended by it. WOW!

I spend so much time trying to make up for that weakness, by trying to plan for every eventuality that might happen in our life. Or by trying to cover up the failings in me that makes me so very imperfect, unlovable, unusable. Like Adam, sowing up those fig-leaf board shorts. But we are wasting so much effort on trying to hide or cover up for an ingredient that the designer deliberately chose for the creation. Before He ever made you or I, He wrote in His word that His strength is made perfect, or complete, or finished, in our weakness. (2 Cor 12:9) John writes that "nothing-not one thing!-came into being without him." (John 1:3, the Message) Even my weakness! It's like the baking powder that the baker deliberately pulls out of the cupboard and puts into the bread, because He knows it is a necessary ingredient for the bread to rise even higher.

I must let this anxiety over the things I am too weak to control in the future, or the shame over the inherent weakness of this flesh I am presently living in GO! I sense that in embracing that weakness, I will open it up for God to more freely show His strength, and that is what I desperately long for.

My Champion

2007-05-18T12:24:00.000-04:00

Today was Challenge Day for Special Olympics at Nathan's school. He competed along with his classmates in the Beach Volleyball event! I was so proud of him. They had adapted a huge slingshot to launch the volleyball over the net so that each student could "serve." Nathan served twice and returned the volley back over the net several times.

I am always so overhelmed by the community support for our Special Olympics day. To see the outpouring of support and the look of pride on the kids' faces brings me to tears every year. Of course, I have to hide those tears, because nothing embarrases a ten-year old boy more than a weepy mother!

I'm tremendously proud of my guy, but in a way I'm proud of us too. It is mindblowing to realize that a child like Nathan, on full life-support can even go to school every day, much less participate in an event like this. So, just this once, I want to say,
"YEAH!!!!, McMILLAN FAMILY!!"

Seven Things I've Learned

2007-05-17T00:07:00.000-04:00

My friends Crickl and als tagged me for a meme of seven random things about me. However, I think Crickl had the right idea about changing the subject to seven things I've learned in life. (And like her, I've already done a 'random things about me' list. You can find it in my Jan '07 posts.) It took a few days of mulling over, but I think I've finally come up with my own list. Here goes:

1. LIFE IS ALL ABOUT CHOICES. . . The whole thing boils down to each little choice I make. Every day we make millions of choices, large or small, either by design or by default. If I choose to eat bonbons and ice cream for breakfast each day I'm going to look like Jabba The Hut. If I focus on the dust in my house all day long and choose not to spend time with God my spirit will suffer even though my house might look great. If we can come to the place where we are aware of these choices before we make them we would all lead much more disciplined lives.

2. . . . SO CHOOSE THE THINGS THAT ARE OF ETERNAL VALUE. The dust will always be there. Your kid's toys will always be where they are not supposed to be. So what. Have I cultivated any fruit of the spirit today? Have I spent time making an eternal investment into my childrens' character by spending a little time with them that doesn't involve nagging?

3. THERE ARE QUESTIONS WE MAY NEVER KNOW THE ANSWERS TO. "Why?" is a black hole that you may never come out of. Sometimes we just have to give up on the why, and focus on the now. Many say that all of our questions will be answered one day when we are in heaven, but I personally think that I will be so happy and fulfilled there that I will no longer wonder.

4. YOU ARE THE ONLY 'YOU' THERE WILL EVER BE. This one's a two-parter. A.) Celebrate, love and embrace the unique things that God has placed in you. Become comfortable in your own skin and practice being yourself as often as possible. B.) No matter how worthy your other roles in life may be, never let them eclipse knowing and taking care of yourself. Don't get lost in your other job titles. There are plenty of Moms, Pastor's Wives, Accountants, etc., but there is only one soul who can be you.

5. YOUR 'MOTHER'S INSTINCT' IS ALWAYS RIGHT. If you're reading my blog, it's a safe bet that you're a girl. You may or may not be a mom yet, but even if you're not you will probably become one some day. That gut instinct is a gift from God and you should always listen to it. I have experienced this over and over in caring for my son for ten years. Many times that instinct may have been what saved his life. Listen to it and don't apologize for it!

6. THE GOLDEN RULE IS A PRETTY SAYING. No, I'm not suggesting you quit being considerate. But I've learned first hand that you can be as sweet as a Georgia peach and someone will still be mean to you. The world is full of mean people, and many of them go to a church! But if you keep your eyes on God, and practice showing the mercy that He has so freely given to each of us, you will not be so disappointed in those around you.

7. THIS LIFE JUST WON'T WORK WITHOUT GOD. You may think you have managed to find real happiness without him, but you have fooled yourself. He is the sole purpose for which we exist.

Well, there you have it. I am going to make a copy of this so that in ten years I can look back and have a good laugh at my "wisdom"!! Thanks, Crickl and als, for giving me the opportunity to reflect on this. (And as for tagging seven others, all of the bloggers I know were in the same tag list that Crickl made except for one, so I tag my husband. Chris-"You're It!!!!")

2007-05-11T15:00:00.000-04:00

Before I was a Mom -
I slept as late as I wanted and never worried about how late I got into bed. I brushed my hair and my teeth everyday.

Before I was a Mom -
I cleaned my house each day. I never tripped over toys or forgot words to a lullaby. I didn't worry whether or not my plants were poisonous. I never thought about immunizations.

Before I was a Mom -
I had never been puked on - Pooped on - Spit on - Chewed on, or Peed on. I had complete control of my mind and My thoughts. I slept all night.

Before I was a Mom -
I never held down a screaming child so that doctors could do tests...or give shots. I never looked into teary eyes and cried. I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin. I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep.

Before I was a Mom -
I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn't want to put it down. I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn't stop the hurt. I never knew that something so small could affect my life
so much. I never knew that I could love someone so much. I never knew I would love being a Mom.

Before I was a Mom -
I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body. I didn't know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby. I didn't know that bond between a mother and her child. I didn't know that something so small could make me feel so important.

Before I was a Mom -
I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay. I had never known The warmth, The joy, The love, The heartache, The wonderment or the satisfaction of being a Mom. I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much before I was a Mom.

-Unknown

I tell people often that Mother's Day is my favorite holiday. They always smile and nod, the kind of smile which seems to say, "Aw, that's sweet." But I have yet to find a way to communicate how passionately I feel about being a mother.

I am a highly educated, intelligent woman who could have chosen just about any career path and been successful at it. But motherhood is the job that my heart has always aspired to. It hasn't been what I thought it would be-it's been more difficult than I could have ever imagined, but more wonderful than I ever dared to dream. Being a great mom is the main driving passion in my life. Jacqueline Kennedy said, "If you bungle raising your children, I don't think whatever else you do well matters very much." That pretty much sums up my life's philosophy in a nutshell.

So I will cherish this entire weekend. (Mother's Day has already started for me-Nathan brought me home a flower that he planted himself, along with a beautiful card!) I pray that every mother out there will feel as loved, honored and fulfilled as I do!

Yep, It's Friday!

2007-04-13T16:00:00.000-04:00

Appetizer
When you were a child, which crayon color was your favorite? Any color, as long as it was really sharp! I always lusted after the big 64-color pack with the built-in sharpener!

Soup
On a scale of 1 to 10 (with 10 being highest), how likely would you be to change jobs if it required you to move? 3. Nathan's care and proximity to specialists would make it very difficult to leave here. Plus, we really feel called by God to reach this area.

Salad
Take all the numbers in your birthday and your phone number and add them up, one by one. What’s the total? 64

Main Course
Have you ever “re-gifted” anything? If so, what was it and who did you pass it on to? In order to not incriminate myself, I plead the Fifth Amendment.

Dessert
Name something you need from the store. GROCERIES. I can't wait for the day when I have a teenager in the house that I can send to the store!

2007-04-07T09:37:00.001-04:00

Well, I know it's Saturday, but here's my Friday Feast:

Appetizer
When you travel, which mode of transportation do you prefer? Even with all of the head-achy restrictions lately, I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE TO FLY!! There's something about seeing the world from that high up that puts life into perspective! And you can't beat the speed of getting from point A to point B.

Soup
Have you ever met a blogging friend in person? No, but I have two or three that I would be honored to get to meet in person.

Salad
When was the last time you were really, really tired? Last Sunday I spent the entire day cleaning my house from top to bottom because we were leaving for the week the next morning and a good friend was coming to stay with the kids. My imagination of her saying, "Yuck! This house is a mess!" all week drove me to scrub and mop and vacuum quite furiously. I fell into bed around 1 am, completely exhausted.

Main Course
If you could have dinner with any one fictional character from a book or movie, who would it be? Well, my answer involves an entire town instead of one character...If given the chance I would not only dine with, but move permanently to the tiny town of Mitford, the setting for Jan Karon's Mitford Series. These books revolve around the main character of Father Tim, an Episcopalian priest, and the kooky, eccentric and entirely lovable citizens of Mitford. Having grown up in a small town, I understand that there really are people like this in every small town!

Dessert
Fill in the blank: One day, I hope to see _my son walk and talk and run_.

My Visual DNA

2007-03-16T13:57:00.000-04:00

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

Friday Feast 2/02

2007-02-02T22:19:00.000-05:00

Happy Groundhog Day, everyone! In honor of the movie by the same name I am posting my Friday Feasts back to back in order to give you that thrilling sense of deja vu. (Yeah, it has nothing to do with the fact that I have been too busy to post anything else this week!) Here goes...

Appetizer
What was one of the fashion fads when you were a teenager? Big hair and wearing your jeans tightly rolled at the ankle. Unfortunately, I wore both looks on a regular basis.

Soup
Name one thing you think people assume about you when they first meet you. That I am quiet and reserved!!!! (at least twelve people just spit on their monitor screen while reading this!)

Salad
On a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being highest, how hard do you work? You've got to be kidding-I can only put a 10?! I am a mom, after all!!

Main Course
If you were given a free 30-second commercial during the Super Bowl to sell anything you currently own, what would you advertise? The unfailing, all-encompassing, never-ending love of God.

Dessert
Fill in the blank: I love to __bake__ when it is __snowing___. I have no idea why!!

Feast time-Come and Get It!

2007-01-26T16:23:00.000-05:00

Appetizer
If you could take lessons to learn any musical instrument, which would you want to learn? I guess the piano. Isn't every pastor's wife supposed to play the piano?! Seriously, it would have made Chris's life a lot more simple on many occasions (like every Sunday at our church-plant first pastorate) if I could have at least played the keyboard for worship. BTW, it's my little brother's fault that I don't play the piano. I was taking lessons from our pianist when my mom was at work as the church secretary, but when she got pregnant with my little brother she quit, and poof!, there went my piano lessons! Thanks a lot, Jamey!

Soup
Have you ever mistaken a person for someone else? No, but to my dismay I have called people the wrong name more times than I care to remember!

Salad
On a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being highest, how well do you keep secrets? I'd say an 8 or a 9. As a pastor's wife you are privy to many personal, intimate details of people's lives and it is crucial to keep those to yourself. But I always have to tell my hubby anything I keep secret from everyone else!

Main Course
What's the closest you've ever been to a dangerous animal? Do angry church members count? No? You sure? Some of them sure act like dangerous animals... Well, then, I'd have to say the zoo.

Dessert
When was the last time you lost your patience? I think I lost it for about a week, last week! I finally found it under some quiet time, which I had long misplaced as well!

Groovin'

2007-01-26T15:41:00.000-05:00

4“Where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth?
Tell me, if you know so much.
5 Who determined its dimensions
and stretched out the surveying line?
6 What supports its foundations,
and who laid its cornerstone
7 as the morning stars sang together
and all the angels^[a] shouted for joy? Job 38:4-7(NLT)

When my house is really dirty and needs a good, top-to-bottom cleaning (Oh, quit acting shocked! You know yours gets that way too sometimes!) I get out the cleaning supplies, load them all in a bucket, and put on my grungy sweats. The final supply that I need doesn't have a bald guy's picture on it or smell like mountain mist scent-it's music. Loud, energetic, pumping music! I pop a CD into the stereo or put the satellite on the 80's channel, roll up my sleeves and get to work!

Even when I was a kid, we always listened to music when it came time for that once-a-week, marathon cleaning that most working mothers know all about. Somehow that music made the work seem less daunting, less grubby. It inspired us and got us moving (except for the summer when my dad's favorite work music included "Let's all go down to Dumas Walker", but that's another subject!)

I was reading Job this week and discovered that God likes to do his heavy lifting to music too! Who knew?! But there's one major difference between my Saturday morning play list and God's. It seems that when the Almighty, Omnipotent Creator Of The Universe rolled up his sleeves to measure the breadth of the heavens or sweep the mighty oceans into their borders to make way for dry land, He decided to put on The Singing Morning Stars and The Angels. (Sound like some girl group from the 50's, don't they?) Wow, that sure makes my DC Talk or 80's oldies-but-goodies seem paltry in comparison!

I love it when I come across these little snippets of scripture that make God a little more touchable, a little more 'relate-able', a little more human. Now, that's not blasphemy, because scripture says that we were created in His image. As humans we are a reflection of
Him, and some of His attributes are stamped upon us all, so God must be a little 'human' somewhere in there!

So the next time I'm scrubbing my tub to the strains of Jesus Freak, I'm gonna smile and look up and imagine my Daddy God's foot tapping up there on the footstool of the earth, nodding His head along and thinking "Good song choice! Where's My 409?"

Friday Feast

2007-01-13T00:06:00.000-05:00

Appetizer
What comes to mind when you see the color orange?
Nathan's favorite color is orange, and he and Chris both look particularly handsome in it! (Which is logical, since Nate is a carbon copy of his Daddy, both inside and out!)

Soup
Did you ever get in trouble while you were in school? If so, what was it for?
In the 7th grade, we moved to a bigger city and I started a new school. The one new girl I met talked me into skipping school with her, only I didn't know that she had already missed so much school that she was on the truancy officer's list, so I got busted by the truancy officer on my first offense! I cried in the truancy officer's backseat all the way to the school, and that girl just laughed at me. I was so upset in the principal's office over disappointing my Daddy that he (the principal) felt sorry for me and I never had to go to in-school suspension.

Salad
Which topping(s) make up your perfect pizza?
The Mediterranean at Krazy's Pizza in Wilmington, NC. Thin crust, sauce, mozzerella, feta, ham, salami and olives. Yum!

Main Course
Do you believe in UFOs/aliens/etc.? Why or why not? No. If God loved His creation, man, so much that He was willing to send His only Son to die for them, I don't believe He created any 'seconds' or trial runs out there.

Dessert
What color is your bedspread/comforter/quilt? Burgandy and gold

(Got Feast? http://fridaysfeast.blogspot.com)

53 Random Facts About Me

2007-01-01T23:37:00.000-05:00

I once met Richard Petty, the race car driving legend.
I always leave the library with something.
I have short arms. No kidding-I have to roll up the sleeves on almost every shirt and sweater I wear.
I love watching movies in the movie theater.
I still have my very first teddy bear.
I have a huge space between my big toe and my second toe.
A hairdresser once told me that I had the thickest hair he had ever cut.
When I was a child my mother used to have to take my books away and kick me out of the house to play outdoors.
I have read by flashlight under my covers.
I never remember to check the gas gauge.
I am a lead-foot driver.
I hate church business meetings.
I am addicted to cooking shows.
I get in trouble for not writing transactions in the checkbook.
I had the highest SAT score in my high school.
I didn’t get my driver’s license until I was 20.
I used to dance with my Maw-Maw to Lawrence Welk when I spent the night with her on Saturday nights.
I never drink milk.
I despise mayonnaise.
I am passionate about guacamole.
When I was a child, my nickname was ‘45’ because I could talk 45 miles per hour.
I once hit my mother with a broom.
I like to listen to music. Loud. WHAT DID YOU SAY??
I loathe washing dishes by hand.
I have been known to carry a vase of flowers from room to room with me so that I enjoy every minute of them.
I have received roses from Ecuador. Yes, that is in South America.
I hate church business meetings.
I have drunk coffee from the original Starbucks in Seattle, Washington.
I was 30 years old when I flew for the first time. My daughter was six months old.
I know a Secret Service agent and two former NASA scientists, but if I told you more I'd have to kill you.
I love to send hand-written cards and letters.
I have ridden in ambulances more times than I can count.
My only childhood pet was a chocolate lab named Brownie.
When I got married I only knew how to cook two things-chili and spaghetti. We ate a lot of chili and spaghetti.
I can make real Beef Bourguignon-and spell it (No, I didn’t use spellcheck)
I have been through six hurricanes in a six year span.
I kiss two miracles goodnight every single day.
I love the poetry of Ruth Bell Graham.
My picture has been in a newspaper three times in my life.
I experience terrible stage fright when singing a solo.
My husband proposed to me in his grandmother’s bedroom.
I love to watch the sun rise over the ocean.
When I’m overwhelmed with life I like to stay in my pajamas all day.
I have touched a dolphin.
Did I mention that I hate church business meetings?
I gave birth to two children without ever having a single contraction.
I like rainy days.
When I was a little girl I wanted to marry Barry Gibb when I grew up.
The best birthday gift I ever received was my daughter, who was born on my birthday. The second best was a red leather diary with a lock and key that my Daddy gave me on my 12^th birthday. I still have both.
My favorite teacher was Miss Sullivan, my chorus teacher in high school.
I adore old family stories, and constantly bug my family members for new ones.
I own an original Grease LP. If you don’t know what an LP is, you wouldn’t appreciate it anyway!
I can peel an apple in one, long piece. I learned how from my Maw-Maw.

Chris' Consolation

2007-01-01T22:04:00.000-05:00

Make an online slide show at onetruemedia.com

I made this for Chris after hearing this song today, and thinking about how much joy just being with Carissa brings to him. It turned out so well that I had to share it!

con·so·la·tion (kŏn'sə-lā'shən) n.- One that consoles; a comfort

Chores- the new carrots?

2006-12-31T11:47:00.000-05:00

As a mother in this new generation of political correctness and building children's self-esteem, I feel that we have lost an important component of motherhood perfected by our mothers' generation-guilt. Remember the days when our moms used guilt to get us to do anything-"Eat your carrots or you'll go blind!", "Stand up straight or you'll get a hump!", etc.

Well, mothers, take note of this new scientific research that is not only good news for women everywhere, but may also help you get that teenage girl to pitch in and help around the house! I can hear it now-"You better pick up that dust cloth right now young lady, or you might regret it later!!"

(P.S.-When I heard this news report on TV, the female newscaster closed out the segment by saying, "Well, I guess I might need to start doing some dusting!" START?!?)

Where Have All The Christmas Movies Gone?

2006-12-24T09:30:00.000-05:00

There was a time when Christmas week was one long Christmas movie marathon! You couldn't turn a channel without finding holiday cheer and a plot line that involved that one special present you can't live without. Chris and I really get in the mood for a great Christmas movie when it gets close to Christmas eve. All of the shopping and wrapping is done, the menu for Christmas dinner is prepared and the groceries are bought and you have time to sit around and recuperate from the craziness of the previous weeks.

We looked at the TV guide last night only to find that there are no Christmas movies coming on this year! "It's a Wonderful Life" and "A Christmas Story" were the only ones we could find. What ever happened to "White Christmas" or "Miracle on 34th St."? Why can't anyone show "The Bishop's Wife" or it's great remake, "The Preacher's Wife" (which has some of the greatest Christmas music of all time on the soundtrack!!) Even the perennial "Home Alone" is nowhere to be found! (And as much as I love "The Sound Of Music", I have news for the TV programmers-it ain't a Christmas movie!)

Now I know all about the efforts of secular society to remove Christmas from our culture. But doesn't anyone realize that the majority of Americans still celebrate Christmas, even if it is not in a religious context? And I'm talking a LARGE MAJORITY! I understand that there are other religions out there to whom Christmas is offensive, but do I have to stop celebrating it completely in order to make them happy? This country was founded on the premise of religious freedom. I should have the right to celebrate my religious holiday along with others' religious observances!

TV programmers, take note- (because I know you are all waiting with bated breath for each of my blog entries!) WE STILL WANT TO SEE CHRISTMAS MOVIES!! Bring on "Scrooged" and "Jingle All The Way". I could use a break with a great movie about now!

All Halls Are Decked!

2006-12-16T18:15:00.000-05:00

Well, as usual, I'm a day late and a dollar short! Boomama has once again put together one of her fabulous Tours of Homes for Christmas, and I just found out about it last night around midnight-too late to participate. But I thought it would be great to share my holiday decorations, especially since none of our family ever gets to see our home decorated for Christmas! While on the tour (which I recommend you not start unless you have about two days to sit at your computer, because each home is more beautiful than the last!) I found these slide shows, so I put one together to share with everyone! Welcome to my Christmas home!

Just a few notes on the pictures:

The 'baby food jar' tree and the Santa were made by my two fabulously talented aunts. (Maybe I do have a crafting gene somewhere in there!) My aunt Debbie made the tree by gluing empty baby food jars together on their sides in the shape of a tree. She drilled a hole in each lid and put a string of Christmas tree lights inside (one light in each hole in each lid), and filled each jar with tinsel. A ribbon gets glued around the outside of the whole thing and a star goes on top! Genius! My aunt Donna made the Santa from half of a bleach bottle, and if you want to know how I'll have to have her give you a call! I treasure these handmade decorations from my loved ones!
The two middle stockings are the kids'; they were handmade by my great-aunt Mozelle. (Okay, so I come from a long line of crafters-I just need to get with the program, I guess, and embrace the craftiness!) She made a stocking for Nathan after he was born, and when she sent it to us she sent an extra "in case we ever needed another one." Every year that stocking would mock me when I took our three out, knowing that we would likely never have another child. But God answered the longing of our hearts and gave us Carissa, and now we, indeed, have need of that other stocking! Aunt Mo died before Carissa was ever born to us, but I believe that somehow she sees those matching stockings hanging side by side on my mantle and praises God along with me!
A co-worker gave me the wooden reindeer family. If you look really closely, the one that looks like it's about the size of an adolescent seems to have a smirk on it's face! Trez' Realistic! I smile every year when I put these out.
Our front door has been 'scraped and taped' in preparation for painting, so that's why each pane has a blue border-no holiday effect intended!
The star ornament has a picture of Nathan with reindeer antlers from kindergarten in it and the wreath of handprints is my FAVORITE-he was in preschool when he made it! I am looking forward to adding ornaments that Carissa makes to our collection in the future.
Our Advent wreath is on my cake pedestal, so that when Nathan can't come to it, it can go to him!

Our decorations are simple and full of memories, but full of love as well. I hope these pictures share our joy with you this Christmas season!

It's beginning to look alot like...

2006-12-15T21:53:00.000-05:00

Sorry for the lapse in posting...the holiday season is here and as a mom and a pastor's wife it truly seems that the to-do list is never-ending! But I am really excited about Christmas this year! I've had our tree up for about a week now, which is the earliest I've ever put it up. The halls are finally decked and I have been in the Christmas-crafty mood for the last week too! Now, I must say that I am not a crafty person. I am the girl who wanders around in Michael's saying, "What do they use this stuff for, anyway?!" But so far I made a new wreath for the back door, cinnamon-applesauce ornaments with Nathan and a ton of bows for the church and our house. Could I possibly have picked up some kind of crafting virus last time I went in Michael's?

I think one reason I am so full of the Christmas spirit this year is that I have little two-year-old eyes to see the holiday anew with. Having my daughter around is definitely making this Christmas more fun than any other I've had so far! I stayed up until 1 a.m. decorating the tree, just so I could see her face when she came down the stairs in the morning and saw it for the first time. And I must add, it was so totally worth it!!

Also, this is the second year that we have celebrated Advent as a family. Growing up in a Pentecostal background, I had never heard of the Advent season until a couple of years ago. Chris and I felt that celebrating the anticipation of the coming Christ child, which is the focus of Advent, would be a great balance to the secular anticipation that has swallowed the holiday season. So we have an Advent wreath and candles, and each night we light the candles and have a small devotion, sing a Christmas carol, and pray together as a family. It has birthed in me a new, giddy awareness of my soul's longing for Christ and a childlike anticipation of the joy in realizing that He has come for us all! As I decorate the tree or tie bows, I feel as if my soul is singing out John's words with renewed wonder, "And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us."

You see, it is so easy to celebrate and worship the miracle of Jesus' sacrifice on the cross or His triumphant resurrection, but if we are to understand the fullness of those miracles we must also fully realize the miracle of His birth. All the world was looking for a warrior to come to the rescue of the Jews, and eventually us all! But eternal, omnipotent God himself stepped through the portal of unending time and space and squeezed into the tiny, squirming form of a baby boy. He gave up his limitless authority over all of the heavens and the earth to take on helpless flesh in order to become salvation to us all. The knowledge of it transfixes me, as it must have those cold, lonely shepherds two thousand years ago, when the hosts of heaven appeared singing "Glory to God in the highest!"

So I hang lights and bake cookies and twist bows, all the while humming beautiful songs of a baby in a stable while joy steals over my very existence! Merry Christmas!

Zoo skies, smilin' at me...

2006-10-23T22:38:00.000-04:00

After an incredibly jam-packed last few weeks, with events that ranged from our church's 75th Anniversary services to a week alone with the kids while Chris went to Ecuador, we kicked back today and visited the National Zoo. Despite cloudy skies and chilly temps Chris, Carissa and I had the time of our lives! (Nathan had school, and we needed to check out how accessible the animals are for someone in a wheelchair before we take him, so we have now promised that he will visit as soon as a sunny vacation day comes up!)

When we first moved to the area Chris and I would pick a new site around Washington each Monday on his day off and hop on the Metro to go see it. We moved here in October, so we spent that first winter freezing our bee-hinds off around DC, but we had the place virtually to ourselves. We have slacked off from doing this in recent years since our little one came along, so it was great to get back out there and explore. The National Zoo had been on our to-do list for some time!

I would be hard-pressed to pick a favorite site from today. I guess for me personally I totally loved seeing the pandas in their new habitat, which just opened last week. (You can check it out for yourself from the comfort of your home at the National Zoo's great website, but do yourself a favor and plan a trip soon!) Tai Shan, the 15-month old cub, was asleep in a tree-how do they do that without falling out?!?-so his mom, Mei Xiang, ambled out onto one of the rock formations and stretched out to nap. Just like a mom to make the most of her toddler's naptime and a sunny, warm spot! The "stroller-brigade" moms, who seemed to be the only other people in the park today, looked jealous.

I have to say that living in an area where you have the opportunity to visit one of the world's best zoos on the spur of the moment is totally great! Most of the time we are so wrapped up in the daily maze of our existance here on the confines of church property that we begin to take that a little for granted, but I hope we will get back out there and experience all that there is to do and see in this richly diverse area we now call home.

In his blog this week, Chris quoted Mark Batterson as saying that we should seek to collect experiences and not possessions in our life, so today we definately added to our experience collection!

Earrings and Poop

2006-10-22T22:21:00.000-04:00

Oh the joys of motherhood! Last week Chris left for a missions trip to Ecuador. He hadn't even been gone 24 hours when my little busybody proceeded to quietly slip into our bedroom and swallow 5 (yes i wrote 5-F I V E) of my stud earrings! I found her with the earrings and counted them out to realize that five mates were missing and the only logical place they could be was inside my daughter! Her pediatrician and my Dad (who was the only person I could think coherently to call for advice) said "Take her to the ER for an x-ray." Sure enough, there they all were. (I'm certain this x-ray has now been added to some radiologist's "Most strange things kids have swallowed" collection!!) Then I had the extreme joy of watching the, shall we say, output for the next week to make sure the earrings made it out of her system! Needless to say, I will be reminding Chris of this little chore when it comes time to buy Mother's Day gifts next year!

And to think, some people might think the life of a stay-at-home Mom and pastor's wife is boring!

(By the way, Chris took 12 others with him on the missions trip-up from two last year. They prayed with 84 people to accept Christ, and ministered to hundreds of others! And to think, by staying home with the kids and fishing through poop so Daddy could go preach to the nations, I had a small stake in that kingdom work!!)

True Beauty

2006-10-18T23:35:00.000-04:00

BIG PROPS to Dove for their real beauty campain. Check out this blog entry and the Dove video that's with it-I couldn't have said it better!

Heavy Hearted MomMusings

2006-10-04T10:56:00.000-04:00

Since this blog is mainly the musings of my mother's heart, I must share my heartbreak over the horrific events of this week. I have been deeply disturbed and saddened by the attacks against young girls in our schools and communities.

I don't need to rehash these events themselves; if you own a computer, tv or radio, or if you read a paper you know the intimately horrific details of this new spate of violence. For those of us here in the Washington DC area, on the same day as the tragedy in Colorado last week our newscasters also informed us of an eight year old girl's sexual assault after she got off of her school bus half a block from her home and the man police were looking for who had assaulted one girl already in area stores and was caught on camera stalking another young victim in an area Target.

My husband, while watching the disturbing news coverage, made two astute observations. The most important of them was the statement that, for reasons he hasn't quite figured out yet, the enemy of our souls is deliberately targeting our daughters. The second was that, being the parents of a beautiful, precious, innocent daughter right now feels a lot like having a deer and knowing it's hunting season out there.

Now we must deal with the horror of this latest attack in Pennsylvania. In listening to the news reports of this disturbed man's possible motives for his heinous plan, I was grieved to hear his statements about being mad at God over the death of his premature baby daughter. There will be thousands of sharper minds than mine analyzing this man's motives over the next few weeks, as we all try to come to grips with how someone could even conceive such evil, but this makes me wonder a few things. I wonder if this man, who has now admitted to molesting young female family members as a twelve year old boy, felt that God was punishing him for this secret sin he had carried hidden in his memory and conscience with the death of his baby daughter. He has stated that he was mad at God, and I cannot help but wonder further if he thought that by perpetrating these evil plans on even more innocent young girls, he was showing God a thing or two. This makes me really think about what a direct path to destruction it is to harbor anger against God.

I write this from the perspective of someone who has spent a lot of time being angry with Him. Every time Nathan gets sick, and I watch him lay there helpless and barely moving, I get angry knowing that the all-powerful God I serve could make his entire illness go away with a wave of His hand. During the years when Chris and I begged to have another child, I alternated between petitioning God for this deep desire of my heart and being angry with Him that He wouldn't even give us this consolation. Now some of you might be aghast at the idea that a pastor's wife would admit to being angry with God, but I genuinely feel that God is big enough to deal with me being angry with him. But thinking about this man's anger at God has made me realize that my personal anger with Him has always been tempered by my inescapable love and need for Him. I see this in the story of Job too (which I have been studying lately). There are many passages in the book of Job where Job is really ticked with God. But his anger never outweighs his love for his God, or stops the longing he expresses to be known by God. I feel that there is a key detail here. We must always strive to never let our anger with God eclipse what the Bible calls the 'fear' of Him, or the realization of who He is and how much we need Him. I think these events are a clear example of the result of such untempered, unchecked anger against our Creator-the death of our souls.

I also feel compelled to point out the stark contrast between this man's inability to forgive God for the death of his baby daughter and the almost instantaneous forgiveness the Amish parents of his victims offered to his family. I am sure I am not the only person to observe this contrast. The Amish community members who have spoken with the press have been a walking textbook for the biblical spirit of forgiveness. As a mother, even though I am a Christian, it boggles my mind that these parents could forgive this man. I can only pray that out of this tragedy, some good will come of the testimony of forgiveness that is being lived out under the glare of media cameras in the gentle and unassuming community of the Amish.

I believe that we need to pray for specific protection over our daughters-the daughters in our homes and the daughters of our society. Like Chris, I don't know the reason for the targeting of our little girls, but it brings to my mind the biblical extermination of baby boys in the effort to prevent the Messiah from coming to cover our sin and restore creation with Creator. And in the hearts of mothers everywhere, just as in those days in Bethlehem,

"A voice is heard in Ramah,
weeping and great mourning,
Rachel weeping for her children
and refusing to be comforted,
because they are no more." (Matthew 2:18)

RAT-KETEERING

2006-09-30T22:18:00.000-04:00

Since I spent the first eight years of motherhood in a really unique situation, there are many standard parenting experiences that I am now getting to try for the first time. One of those happened this week. Our first trip to Chuck E. Cheese.

I would like to go on record here as stating that this is the biggest racket I have ever seen in my life!! Where else can you take your family for a meal and pay $33 for a pizza that tastes more like the boxes that the frozen variety come in at the grocery store, and desperately collect tickets in order to get "prizes" even more cheap and flimsy than those toys that come out of the machines in the front of stores for a quarter!! When my husband came back from the counter and told me that in order to add some semblance of nutrition to our dinner by ordering salads, this childhood-mob-controlled "fun" place wanted $4.99 EACH for a salad bar that consisited of bagged salad mix, some of those processed 'baco' bits, and three (I am not kidding) choices of salad dressing!

When my nephew was little, I was horrified to discover that my brother and sister-in-law had actually told their kids that Chuck E. Cheese had burned down, and they could no longer go. I thought that was the worst parenting technique I had ever heard of. Well, I owe them an apology, because now my eyes have been opened, and I can begin to understand why they would be driven to such a deception.

I fervently hope that Carissa promptly forgot that place as soon as we walked out of there. Otherwise we may have to call her Uncle Rick and have him tell her his Chuck E. Cheese story!

2006-09-26T12:02:00.000-04:00

FINALLY SOMEBODY GETS IT! PROCRASTINATORS UNITE (Well, maybe tomorrow!)

Home Again, Home Again

2006-09-26T11:00:00.000-04:00

I made a quick trip to NC this week to meet my enchanting new nephew and see my beloved brother bask in his "new dad" glow. I knew we would not all be able to go down together for at least a month, and I didn't want to miss this special time when a new life is so NEW to all of those around them, so I just jumped in the car and ran down for a couple of days. (I figure, "Shoot! If I can bring two kids into this world myself then I can drive myself down the road to see my family!")

Since I had so much time alone on the six-and-a-half hour drive I got a lot of overdue thinking done. Sounds scary, huh? The following represents the highlight, or at least the only part I could legally put in print.

I spent time with those who know me best and love me anyway. The ones who have seen the good, the bad, the ugly, and the downright indescribable in me. The ones who remember what I looked like in Wonder Woman underoos, and know all of my childhood nicknames. I listened to the voices and looked into the faces of those whose DNA I carry, whose own stories have shaped not only who they are, but who I am as well. I drove around and saw the places where monumental things happened in my life. My Ebenezer Stones, so to speak. The places where my sweetheart kissed me. The church were we discovered God's call on our lives, and where we pledged to love each other until death. The hospital where my baby boy was born, and where one life ended for me and another one began. And I realized that doing these things grounds me again-it makes me remember who I am and what I can do. It also reminds me of all that God has done in my life. It serves as a kind of plumb line, bring me back into alignment with the core of who I have been and who I am today.

The constant push and pull of expectations and deadlines that make up being in ministry tend to reshape me like the tides redecorate the shore every day. Being surrounded by people who don't know your whole story kind of redefines who you are, as you morph into only being what those people see in you. The reflection of more shallow waters. But I have come back stronger and more centered from my quick trip home. I not only drove several hours to cuddle my baby brother's baby, I launched myself back out into the deep waters of who I am.

Warning! Political Discussion Ahead!

2006-09-12T14:13:00.000-04:00

OKAY! It has now been a little over a week since Rosie O'Donnell joined "The (Supposed to Represent Many, but Really Only Represents One) View" and I am amazed that I have kept myself from having a heart attack already, but today finally did it!

I told Chris he was going to have to block the ABC station at 11 am on weekdays so that I would not have a stroke or throw things at the tv when I heard Rosie was going to be the show's "moderator" (boy is that the biggest oxymoron I have ever heard in my entire life, or what?). Again, I have proven myself right.

During a discussion about the war on terror today Rosie made the comment that "Radical Christianity is just as big a danger to this country today as Radical Islam." And her statement was followed by applause from most of the audience.

I beg to differ with you, Rosie (and that ain't just an expression, I would beg on my knees to be able to differ with you in person), but you are dead wrong. I am a born-again Christian and I probably would fall into Rosie's category of a "Radical" Christian because of my belief that the scripture is the inherent, infallible Word of God and my mostly right-wing political views. Yes, I believe that homosexuality is a sin, although I think it is no more a sin than lying or stealing. Since I freely admit I am a sinner I have no right to judge Rosie or anyone else and pass sentence on their sin because I, too, am guilty. I adamantly believe that only God is able to judge hearts and is the only being holy and righteous enough to decide someone's eternal sentence for their sins. So although I might caution Rosie that she was transgressing God's law and therefore sinning, I would never sentence her to death for that transgression.

However, no matter how the politically-correct crowd wants to spin it, the Koran calls for the death of anyone who is not a Muslim. So while Rosie would be perfectly safe in my presence, if she were to come under the authority of a "Radical" Muslim, she would be summarily executed on the spot, no questions asked, no religious debate allowed. I think that qualifies as much more of a threat than my "Radical" Christian beliefs, don't you Rosie?

Rosie "The Mouth", as I am now affectionately calling her, went on to say that she just didn't understand why President Bush engaged us in a war in Afganistan after 9/11. Has she never heard of the Taliban? How hard is it to understand that the Taliban government was freely giving Osama Bin Laden the freedom and land to run terrorist training camps and train the very people who would eventually fly planes into buildings and kill thousands of Americans. I enjoy a stimulating political debate as much as the next person, but only with someone who is intellectually educated of the facts, and Rosie proved today that she does not fall into this category.

What really disturbs me most about this morning's show was the fact that this viewpoint about "radical" Christianity was deliberately applauded. Chris reminded me to keep in mind the probable makeup of the audience, which were probably all liberal, New York women who could not differ more from a Christian point of view if they tried, and I will give him that. But is our society really coming to believe that the moral views that are the compass of my life are dangerous to other people?

The Emerald City

2006-09-02T00:50:00.000-04:00

Edit video online at onetruemedia.com

A Mary Moment in my Martha World

2006-08-25T22:52:00.000-04:00

Thank God, the cold is gone! I could go to the hospital today to be with Nathan, and since the drive to the hospital is around 45 minutes, I got to spend my commute time rocking out to some Hillsong and praising God.

EVERMORE

With all my life I'll sing,
I'll be livin' for your name
With all to give you praise
I'll be livin' for your glory, Lord

Lost for words with all to say,
Lord you take my breath away!
Still my soul, my soul cries out
You are Holy!

As I look upon your name
Circumstances fade away
Now your glory steals my heart
You are Holy!

You are Holy
You are Holy, Lord!

Evermore my heart, my heart will say
Above all, I live for your glory
Even if my world falls, I will say
Above all, I live for your glory

Man, can those Australians write some worship, or what? Now, anyone who knows me knows that I definately fall into the Martha category. My heart longs to be a Mary, but my to-do list gets in my way. But I cannot wait for the day when I can worship God for eternity, with no laundry to be folded or meals to be cooked to distract me from my purpose.

I just want to take the time to echo the sentiment of this song-My God takes my breath away! See, I have this addiction. I am addicted to God's glory. In this life, we can only get a little taste of it at a time. Bottled up moments when the film between heaven and earth becomes a little thinner and we can just glimpse it, not quite taste it, think we smell it, almost see it. One day we will bathe in it, and like a junkie who can't get enough, I'm living for that day. Somedays I'm blessed enough to grab ahold of the hem of His garment, and squeeze a few drops of that glory onto my parched face.

A lot of people probably look at my life from the outside and think I'm religious because of tradition, or because it makes a living for my family. But I am utterly smitten with God. It's all about my relationship, and nothing to do with religion. We have this thing going, me and God. Even when I was His enemy, He called after me. He sought me out, and sacrificed His precious Son in my rotten, good-for-nothing place. This morning, I woke up to find out that He Hadn't Changed His Mind Yet!!! (That's what 'mercies new every morning' means to me!)

His glory has stolen my heart! That's why I do everything I do-from trying to craft a ministry that reaches out to every woman, to caring for my kids so that one day they will see God's care for them. He is my every breath, my every heartbeat. So, maybe, when I have moments like today, He's saying "Now, you've chosen well!"

When Will The Week End?

2006-08-24T12:00:00.000-04:00

This has been just a yucky week! Nathan had surgery on Monday, which went well and he is recuperating quickly. That's the good news! I came down with a horrible head cold the day after his surgery. So I have been unable to go to the hospital any day this week to be with Nathan. I usually handle all of his acute medical care information, so poor Chris has had to call me a million times each day with another question from the medical team. It seems that the mindset of the team in a Pediatric Intensive Care Unit (PICU) is, "If it's working well, let's tinker with it and see if we can get it to work better. That made it worse? Oh, well!" Anyhoo-it is killing me to not see Nathan for three days or be there for him when he needs me! I feel like the worst parent in the world!

Meanwhile, two of our staff members had new babies last week, and as the Women's Ministries Coordinator it falls to me to arrange for some meals to be brought for the new moms. I made phone calls and put together a schedule of the women who agreed to prepare a meal and gave it out on Sunday, so that everything would be in place before heading into Nathan's surgery on Monday. Almost every single woman on that schedule had to move their night, or something came up and they couldn't do it. To quote Charlie Brown, "AAARRRGGGHH!"

On top of all of this, I completely forgot our weekly Women's prayer group this morning. I suspected a ball would get dropped soon, but I hate that this was it. I hope the women will be understanding.

Chris and I were talking on the way home from the hospital about how no one outside of the two of us really understands all that the last ten years has held for us. I am amazed that even after ten years of being in the hospital and numerous surgeries, it is the hardest thing in the world to leave your baby in the hands of others and wait for the outcome. It is not just hard; I find it to be agony. I don't think I've ever told anyone this besides Chris. Everyone else just takes it for granted that we handle all of this so well, and I am grateful for the testimony that brings to God, but it never gets easy or routine.

At the hospital we used to frequent they made you tell your child goodbye in the hallway and they wheeled him away from you while he was still awake. At least here they let one of us go into the operating room with him until he goes to sleep. But I still have to force my feet to walk out of that room. And then the waiting is excruciating to me, who is used to being at least well informed of his status every moment of the day, if not outright responsible for his status! It is definately one of those times when I literally leave him in the Lord's hands!

I don't know how I could parent if I didn't have faith in a God who is bigger than this life. There are so many uncertainties and things we cannot control, especially with a special-needs child. When I feel like I'm about to come unglued I have to remind myself that I am never in control anyway, that even when things seem well in control, the control lies in God's hands. And I can't think of a better place for it to be!

Stuck in CHOCOLATE!!!

2006-08-19T21:36:00.000-04:00

Well, another dream bites the dust. All these years I thought being waist deep in a vat of chocolate sounded like heaven! Oh well!

Celebration Day

2006-08-16T14:48:00.000-04:00

I just read an article by H.B. London in which he stated that the month of July is special to him because it is the month when he "celebrates his wife and their son." What an astounding concept! Instead of celebrating a 'day' when your loved one was born, what if we celebrated the person? For example, instead of celebrating my son's birthday in June, what if all day that day we celebrated everything we love about him and all of the wonderful things that makes him who he is? Instead of it being 'Nathan's birthday' it could be 'Nathan Day'! Wouldn't this do wonderful things for our children's self-esteem? What a great way to counteract the 'cookie-cutter' cultural influences our kids are innundated with every day, and reinforce that they are special to us because of who they are. Let's face it, most of our work as parents day in and day out is geared towards pointing our children to who we want them to become. We must purpose to remember to reinforce that we love who they are. This would be a banner day to drive this message home in a big way. I think I have just inaugurated 'Chris day', 'Nathan Day', and 'Carissa Day' (which happens to be the same day as what I hope would be 'Allison Day'!!) around here!

Sucked down the Ebay drain!

2006-07-05T01:10:00.000-04:00

I have lost one entire week of my life! Last week I posted 17 items for sale on Ebay for the first time. I must honestly admit that I may not have even watched my newborn daughter as diligently as I have watched these items this last week! I wake up-I check Ebay. I come home-I check Ebay. I check Ebay-I check Ebay again! Pitiful! I am so grateful that these silly auctions are over. Now I can get back to making sure my home is not condemned by the Health Dept. and that my children don't all of the sudden look like that poor Kiera Knightly from lack of sufficient nutrition. If you are missing whole blocks of time from your life; if you come to in front of the computer with glazed eyes mumbling "Must add to my watch list!" or "How do I calculate shipping?"-call me. Maybe we can start a support group!

P.S.-You must note the time for this posting-Guess what I've been doing?!!!!! Help me, please, help me!

My Mommy Anniversary

2006-06-06T23:01:00.000-04:00

My precious boy turned ten years old today! It feels like yesterday that he came to us, and yet when I think back over all that we have gone through and how much we have grown it feels like forever. I often joke that I define our life together as "BN" and "AN" (Before Nathan and After Nathan); I have trouble even remembering events from before he came to us or what I was like then.

I have celebrated my amazing boy's accomplishments all day today, but I would like to take a moment and reflect on what these ten years have meant to a mother. In a sense this is not just Nathan's birthday, its the anniversary of when I became a mom!

I can't help but remember that day ten years ago when I was up and walking for the first time after the c-section. I walked with my Dad down to the NICU, and the nurse met us at the door of Nathan's cubicle with a knowing smile. When she asked, "How would you like to hold him today?", I was hit with a powerful surge of both longing and bald fear at the same time. I went in and sat down while she arranged all of the then-strange-but-now-second-nature tubes and wires. Then she put those seven pounds of little baby boy into my arms, the arms that had longed for a child through months of dashed hopes and desperate prayers, through a pregnancy frought with sickness when the only light of hope was the promise of full arms, through the last two days when we had been seperated by two different hospitals and the gulf of fear and uncertainty we had all been set adrift in. Despite the narcotics keeping him from having the seizures they said he would always have (and never has!) I watched him snuggle into those arms, my arms, and in that moment everything melted away. I knew in that moment that no matter what happened from that point on I would never be the same. It was at least half an hour before I realized that both Daddy and the nurse had slipped away to give us some privacy. In the background the radio they left playing in the unit all the time started playing Celine Dion's "The Way You Love Me." I still think of it as 'our' song and dissolve into tears whenever I hear it. I fantasize about what it would be like to dance with Nathan to it at his wedding, him tall and handsome in a tux and me a puddle at his side.

That is the most happy memory I have of Nathan coming into our lives. Most people say that the happiest day of their life is the day their children were born, but with Nathan we just couldn't say that. It was an earthquake day; a day full of shock and pain, fear and questions. But each day we-all three of us-just survived;that was a miracle in itself. And each day it got a little better until one day four months later we brought him home for the first time.

In the ten years since then there have been wonderful times and there have been dark ones. We've come about as close as you can to losing him about five times; but God, in His infinite grace, has let us keep him a little while longer each time. And wrapped around those brief and terrifying times have been sublime heaven. The way he smiles at me like no one else. The sound of his laughter when it's just the two of us talking and I make a dumb joke. The joy he shows at seeing any of his grandparents. His pride at riding the bus to kindergarten like a big boy(and how hard it was for me to let him do it!). Watching him give his heart to Jesus. The days run together and next thing I know he's ten years old. He's going into the fifth grade, and he gets mad when there's a snow day that cancels school because he loves it so much. He's the best big brother I have ever seen. He cries when his heart is moved during worship at church. He is truly my hero, the strongest and yet most gentle person I will ever know. Even though it is my highest privilege that I know him better than anyone else, I will never fully know what he has had to endure. I have only seen him angry a handful of times, and somehow he still keeps that loving and open spirit that could so easily be bitter and hopeless.

I have often questioned how God picked someone as frail and weak as myself to be Nathan's mom, but I thank Him continually that he did. In sharing the testimony of all that God has done for us in Nathan's life I often quote a scripture from the book of Job where Job says of God, "Before, my ears had heard of You, but now my eyes have seen you." I have known about God since I was three years old, but I can truely say that now I know Him. He has been there through these ten long years and I know He will continue to be there throughout whatever Nathan's future holds.

The Motherhood Of God!?!

2006-06-05T00:51:00.000-04:00

Hi! It’s been a little bit since I've had anything to blog-"blogger's block" as I've heard others refer to it. (I'm mildly puzzled as to how someone who always has something to say could run out of things to write, but that's another subject...) I just don't know how I could get too busy to blog, what with a BUSY toddler, Nathan's medical and school needs to manage, a Women's Ministry to coordinate, a husband to take care of (okay-he's getting better and better at taking care of himself, I must give him credit!!), a house to keep clean enough for the health dept. to not shut down, and all that while balancing precariously up on this "Pastor's Wife Pedestal" from which I am supposed to give the appearance that everything's cool!

So, amazingly enough, I found time to read in Hosea today. (Dire prophetic warnings go great with musical accompaniment from Dora the Explorer, by the way. Kind of like a "We can do it!" soundtrack for those rebellious Hebrews to get it together!)

As I mentioned in an earlier post, I have been reading the "Captivating" book. One of its central themes is that we, both women and men, are created in God's image, so our feminine traits embody aspects of God's character just like men do. This was brought to my attention in the passages from Hosea that I read this morning.

Having been a Daddy's girl I have always related to God as my "Abba, Father" or "Daddy, God", and I must admit that I have never really thought of God much as a 'Mother figure', but these beautiful passages shed a new light on God's abundant love for us in a poetic word picture of motherly love.

Chapter 11, verse 1 of Hosea states "When Israel was a child, I loved him, And out of Egypt I called My son." Verse 3 continues, "I taught Ephraim to walk, Taking them by their arms; But they did not know that I healed them. I drew them with gentle cords, With bands of love, And I was to them as those who take the yoke from their neck. I stooped and fed them." (NKJV)

What a beautiful, moving picture of God tenderly caring for His people, like a gentle mother who carefully and gently teaches her little one to walk. She patiently holds their hand and safely watches over each tiny, precarious step. She selflessly and patiently bends low to give them nourishment and vigilantly tends their sicknesses until their healing is restored.

The pathos of a mother's heart is illustrated again in the yearning, almost broken voice of God in verse 8 and 9, "How can I give you up, Ephraim? How can I hand you over, Israel? How can I make you like Admah? How can I set you like Zeboiim? My heart churns within Me; My sympathy is stirred. I will not execute the fierceness of My anger; I will not again destroy Ephraim." (NKJV) Every mother who has ever had to discipline their precious child empathizes with the emotion contained in those verses! We know the dilemma of our heart, which demands that we enforce difficult consequences so that a lesson can be learned, even when we yearn to shield that child from every hurt, every difficulty.

Earlier in Chapter 6, verse 1 the prophet calls, "Come, and let us return to the Lord; For He has torn, but He will heal us; He has stricken, but He will bind us up." Upon first reading those words, one might wonder how God could inflict harm knowing that He will then turn and heal and comfort. But in light of the illustration of God's maternal-like love for us, this passage becomes a poignant promise that His anger is not without tenderness; His righteousness is tempered with undeserved mercy.

These passages call to mind Jesus' cry over the city of Jerusalem, "Oh Jerusalem, Jerusalem...How often I have wanted to gather your children together as a hen protects her chicks beneath her wings, but you wouldn't let me." (Matt 23:37 NLT) As Jesus is the Man-God, the physical embodiment of the divine God, his heart continues to be poured out in that maternal, all-consuming love for his little ones.

What an awesome, astonishing look into the heart of our God! As I love and tend to my precious children in the next few days I will ask the Holy Spirit to remind me that God's love is poured out in my life in a similar, unreserved fashion. May we all take some time to bask in it!

Idol Desperation?

2006-06-05T00:50:00.000-04:00

Am I the only one who thinks it hilariously ironic that the movie ABC has scheduled up against the American Idol finale tonight is entitled "Desperation"?

I suppose with all of the finale hoopla I should go on record with my pick. (That is what a blog is for, isn't it-to assume that the whole world is waiting with baited breath for reports on your every activity and opinion on all subjects?)

As a formerly trained singer I cannot help but admire the near-perfection of Katherine McPhee's voice. Her's is truely more aptly described as an instrument. When Kat's on her A-game, not taking it for granted, she is unstoppable. However, we all know that sucess in the music business has nothing whatsoever to do with superior vocal ability. (Otherwise we would never have been subjected to the vocal stylings of the lovely Simpson sisters, Jessica and Ashley! "Oh, dear Lord, if only...")

Now, Taylor Hicks, on the other hand has the perfect "music biz" package of talent and appeal. I myself always have a soft spot for underdogs and I have been charmed by Taylor since the beginning, even though I never thought he would make it to the final round. And to his credit he has shown more consistancy in his performance ability than any other contestant this season. So I am going down in posterity as posting Taylor as my pick for the next American Idol. (Insert trumpet fanfare here.)

Now I must point out that my pick and the fickle tastes of teenage American girls(which is usually the driving vote demographic for Idol, right?) do not always coincide. So I freely admit that I could be surprised. After all, Clay Aiken had that loveable, underdog air about him but he still ended up in the second position.

We can only wait and see....

Pentecost!!!

2006-06-05T00:49:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was a twirling day! Our weather here was absolutely gorgeous! I got to go to church and worship while sitting with my two miracles: a son that doctors said shouldn't still be here and a daughter that doctors said would probably never be here! How can you not lift up grateful praise in those circumstances?

Chris preached an amazing message on Pentecost and then we had a whopper of an altar service! I literally laid on the floor of Carissa's bedroom once we got home because I was so exhausted from praying for people and worshipping around the altar. It is comforting to me to see that, although the methods of ministering to people in the church setting have changed over the years since I was introduced to the pentecostal expression, the way in which the Holy Spirit moves is still just as powerful! I will be the first to tell you that although I grew up in the Assemblies Of God, I am a relatively reserved and watchful Pentecostal; many times I have said that if you see this girl dancing in church you better look up because the rapture is about to take place! But in our service yesterday we heard the sound "as of a Rushing Mighty Wind" (my capitals added!) and the spirit of Pentecost filled the place! You could not help but respond! I cannot wait until the day when we will be able to sing and praise God for eternity and never become physically tired! Ya'll are going to be standing around heaven after a few thousand years saying, "Is she ever gonna be quiet?!"

Maiden Voyage

2006-06-05T00:44:00.000-04:00

Well, this is my maiden voyage into the world of blogging! My husband has had a blog on our church's website for the past year or so, and I must say that I envy his ability to spout off about anything and everything that suits his fancy. There is no telling what I'll write about, since my interests run the gamut from Christian fiction to jazz to current political topics.

I am reading the most amazing book called Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery Of A Woman's Soul by John and Stasi Eldridge. In it the authors talk about how women were created as the pinnacle of God's amazing creation and how we were created to embody God's attributes of passion and beauty, but for too long we have squashed that "captivating" nature that He created within us. They liken what we should be to a little girl twirling in front of her Daddy, fully expecting to be captivating to him and to everyone else around her. As a perfectionist I spend too much time berating myself for everything I think I do wrong, but I want to start thinking of myself as God's treasured little girl and I'm gonna try to twirl for all I'm worth!